This has been a difficult blog for me to write. It’s scary to be completely open and raw with my friends, family, supporters, and potentially people I’ve never met. But I’m going to share something that the Lord has been teaching me.
In the months leading up to Training Camp, I convinced myself and those around me that I was going into training camp without any expectations. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I was just going to go in with an open heart and an open mind to what the Lord had in store for me.
The truth is, I did have expectations about what the 10 days would look like, how I would interact with my squad, what God was going to work on in my heart, how my squad would see me, and even what type of role I would have on my team. Before meeting my squad, I knew I wanted to make a good impression, I wanted them to like me. Being the people pleaser I am, I made sure I was what I imagined the perfect squadmate looked like. I was over enthusiastic, loud, made shirts for everyone, tried to talk all my squadmates regularly, and was a little crazy and overwhelming. During team formations, I did all that I could do to stand out as a leader. I looked at myself and realized:
I was so wrapped up in being the “right” person, I forgot where my identity was.
Ouch…. That’s so hard to admit. But it was so true. I was so caught up in being “on” all the time for the people I am going to do life with for the next year, that I wasn’t being my true self. I found myself not being fully present and questioning why I didn’t feel like I was being accepted, and why I felt like I didn’t quite fit in. I had created a false self, and was trying to convince my squad that’s who I was.
Here’s where I would love to say some huge moment happened at training camp where the Lord came and told me that I was being a doof and I realized that… but there wasn’t one particular moment. It was a series of (fortunate) events that led me to realize, my identity is in Christ and not what I think is the “perfect world racer.”
I am a daughter of Christ.
Throughout the 10 days, I still struggled with trying to meet my expectations I had about training camp, but the more time I spent with my squad, my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who are completely on fire for the Lord, the more I knew that these people, they are my people. I belong to this squad. I can’t be “on” every minute of every day, I have to be me. I have to be the Catie that God created me to be, and sometimes that means not being crazy loud all the time. Together, iSquad became a family unit. We cried together when we shared about things in our life we felt shame about, forgiveness that hadn’t been given yet, and pain in our lives that hadn’t gotten resolved. We clapped for any occasion. We laughed until we cried about silly jokes and bumble bee dances.
Looking back on training camp, I know I wasn’t as present as I could have been, and that makes me sad. But I was encouraged in some of my favorite moments of training camp when I was fully present with my squadmates. Whether it was talking on the porch until close to midnight, getting in a small group and being able to be totally raw and hearing my squadmate being so courageous and share who she is, or when we sat in the dining tent and I was able to share who I am with some of the girls. I treasure those moments because I got a glimpse of what it is going to look like to live life with my team and squad.
None of my expectations going into training camp were met.
But God showed me things that I never expected, things like relationships, forgiveness, worship, freedom, and a glimpse of who Christ is and how He sees me.
And I’m so glad I didn’t have expectations in those areas.
