The past month, I have been hearing the phrase “choose joy” everywhere. People have said it to me, I read it in an article, I heard it in a song, and God has been speaking it to me. At first, I thought, “I’m doing a great job at this whole joy thing; I’ve had it down for 23 years,” but I had the wrong view of joy. You see, there is happiness and there is joy. Happiness comes through things in this world like food, amusement rides, movies, and such. This joy is temporary. But the other joy comes from the Lord, it comes from who He is, His character, what He’s doing in the people around you, and the love that He has for you. This joy is everlasting, and it is true joy. I’ve been living in happiness that comes from the world, so it has been temporary and there have been times where it left me feeling more drained than before.
God has also been pressing into the fact that I have doubted the Father’s love, and the shame that I have felt for not being the “perfect world racer” or the “perfect missionary” because I doubted God’s love for me. The past month I wrestled so much with how I could be on the World Race with these doubts. How can I tell people that they are so loved by the Father if I didn’t believe it all the time? It was a constant struggle in my mind of questioning whether or not I really belong on the Race. Because I was in such bondage of this shame of these doubts, I couldn’t live in the joy that comes from the Lord. I needed freedom from those chains.
Tonight was a special night at debrief. It was our first session together as a squad while we are on the field. Our squad mentor Erika spoke to us tonight, and it hit me so hard. Erika spoke on freedom, the freedom we can have from shame, and how to step into that freedom. Ephesians 5:8-14 talks about bringing things into the light before the Lord. Secrets kept in darkness can be such a foothold for the enemy to grab ahold of and influence your life, but the second you bring anything into the light, the enemy can no longer use that against you. At the end of her talk, Erika created a space for anyone who needed to bring any shame or sin into the light so we can start living in freedom, not in bondage of our mistakes or doubts.
At this point in time, I was going through things that I might want to say if everyone on my squad started standing up and speaking. I wasn’t planning on saying anything, but when Erika was praying, the only thing I heard was her praying that anyone who’s heart is pounding with fear of bringing things into the light would have boldness and courage. That was the moment my heart started beating and I started sweating and getting really nervous because I knew the Lord wanted me to stand up and say something, and then he told me to bring my doubts into the light. So after about a minute and a half of deciding whether or not to stand, my body stood up and a tiny voice said “I’ll go,” when I really wanted to continue with “to the bathroom,” and leave the room. But I brought my doubts before the Lord and my squad, my questions of how can I be a racer when I felt that way, and I sat down. The next 10 minutes we sat in silence, and the whole time I was freaking out, because I was the only one who stood up and said I had shame. But in the end, I’m so glad I stood up and brought things that were hidden out into the light. In doing this, I invited my team, squad, and leadership team into my journey with the Lord, and that was a truly special moment.
During training camp, God gave me the word healing for this trip, and I didn’t really know what it meant. Then the first week we were in Serbia, a teammate came to me and told me that she knows God is going to be tearing down walls in me, and that she is so excited to see what God does. I feel like today is the beginning of both of those processes. God is breaking down walls and healing me from some of the chains that held me. Today is the day I realized that I am so far from perfect, but I am still so loved. I am so loved in my imperfection and being the Catie that God created me to be. And now that I am more aware of the Father’s love, I’m going to choose joy and live out the life Christ created me for.
