I found myself fighting with God this week.
Hosea 2:6-8
“Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them.”
What is more important than God in my life? That is what he asked me. What do I place more value, security, and thought into daily than pouring into Him? What consumes more of my time and thoughts more consistently than Him? In Hosea it describes a woman chasing after her lovers; lovers could be anything: food, money, hair, piercings, a significant other, anything that is separating you from the Father. I found myself looking and looking and looking, but never finding. Just as He says He will do.
First, I did a reality check. I realized that more of my time was spent being consumed with being worried about a relationship in America. I was constantly pouring out and getting nothing in return for the past 3 months on the race. It had been exhausting. God told me to delete him out of my life completely; I did.
Second I asked the Lord if there was more in my life coming between Him and I. I find a lot of security in THINGS. Name brand things, lots of things. Packing for the race was horrifying. I wanted to bring so much. I had to leave things behind that I wanted to pack to seem the prettiest, most stylish, and “cool” because of all the THINGS I have. I have a house to go home to when I return home from the race, a job, clothes, and mostly, I have money saved for when I return home. Money that I have saved and earned for my use. Its mine.
God made me realize this morning “WHY were you trying to bring all that stuff? It’s stupid!” he told me. How silly I was for thinking that 3 months ago when packing! I find great security in having all of that when I go home in 8 months. God told me to give my money away. I was angry. Pissed to be honest. I fought with him, told him it was MINE and I have earned it. He told me to give it away. I wanted to put it into my personal bank account. He told me to give it away. I finally agreed, but asked where should my money go? I listened intently and he told me to give to split the money between a friend struggling with paying her bills and to a friend who currently signed up for the race. He also told me to get rid of many things in my pack. I need my clothes, shoes, electronics, etc. Everything I have, I need (so I think). I started with 37ish lbs in my pack at launch. I am giving close to half of that away. I was angry at what He was making me do, but I am fully trusting the Lord.
Haggai 2:19 “[…] From this day on I will bless you”
This says He will, and he does as He says. I have no fear in the Lord not providing for me now, and in the future. It has taken a leap of faith for me to give my things away. Many fears have crept in, but I know who my Father is and his inheritance for me. I have also decided to fast from Facebook and internet social networking this month. It has been a huge distraction recently. I have also given up drinking any alchohol while on the race. As a team we are focusing solely on seeking the Lord face this month and diving in. I have the time and no distractions to do it. There are no excuses! I am excited for what the Lord has to give me.
