Thailand.
So much “hype” has been talked about month three in Thailand. Food. Clothes. Massages. City. Smoothies. Haircuts. Starbucks. Anything you want. Most of us were drawn to this specific route for the race for the soul reason of working with sexually trafficked women, or working with the men in the bars, or anything that had to do with bars and trafficking really in Thailand. It has almost become a norm on the race for anyone that goes. Many dreamt of building relationships with others over a coke, or playing checkers, hoping to bring them out of the social network they are stuck in. None of this happened.
I am in what seems to be the jungle. I am living in a bamboo house with 6 other women. I have a cement shower. It rains, let me rephrase: POURS, at least once a day. Dont get me wrong, we have a pretty sweet set up.
We took a 12 hour bus ride to a province of Chiang Mai which I specifically don’t even know what the name of it is. We found out toward the end of last month that we wouldn’t be doing bar ministry (There are two other squads in Thailand this month in addition to F Squad). Our team seemed more than crushed. As we asked how many people came on the race for “Bar Ministry In Thailand,” the majority of us seven raised our hands. We had been told we would be working toward the north with Burmese Youth. No expectations, remember?
After we left Nepal, we flew to Bangkok and had a 3 day debrief at the YWAM base. It was a glorious 3 days with the entire squad. We got to experience parts of the city, night markets, Starbucks, the mall, smoothies: everything we had been prepped for! And then once again we had another location/ministry change last minute. No expectations, remember?
We are currently working at Sila Homes: a home for children and youth that may have families that don’t have enough time or money to take care of them. Sila Homes also has another ministry called Ruth Homes: a home where four young girls live that were at risk for human trafficking. We have been doing a lot of manual labor, rather than working with the children, which I had intended. I honestly didn't even realize this part of Thailand had existed or thought about it existing. No expectations, remember?
I experienced so much freedom and greatness from Christ in Nepal. I was thinking “finally!” I was ready to take and walk in that freedom to Thailand. However, for the past two weeks I feel I have been attacked by the enemy (which is a very new term to me, and I don’t use lightly). It was very hard for me to transition to Thailand. I may have had expectations I didn’t realize about the country and ministry. I was experiencing many emotional break downs dealing with relationships at home and deep rooted issues. I felt alone, even though I knew I was not physically alone (I Love My Team!!). Many lies were thrust into my head. I was being so attacked to the point of not being able to physically work or eat for a few days; lengthening to a period of being sick with stomach issues for 2 weeks. But when the enemy attacks, it means something precise and exact is happening on the other end; Gods end. I believe God doesn’t and will not give me anything to large I can’t handle. But sometimes he has to push me to my end to get me to give up from keeping busy and be forced into spending time with Him. I had nothing else I could do. I was frustrated with not being able to work, eat, crying constantly over what seemed like “silly” issues. My leader brought a revelation she had to me in this time. The thought that Jesus literally weeps when you are sad and weeping too. As I thought to myself “I have never experienced anyone else weeping over me being sad and hurt.” God, He cares so much to the point where he is crying just as hard as me, for me.
Tears are running down both our faces. What a beautiful sight.
After I spent my majority of the day with the Lord I felt a bit better. God doesn’t make quick fixes. But I can recognize what I do not want in my life; walls that need to come down. Which I believe is a great first step in the process. Psalm 31 gave me some great insight to my current situation: verse 8 “you have not handed me over to the enemy, but set my feet in a special place.”
Physically I had a full breakfast and lunch today, a big step. Last night I danced the night away with the children. And today I hoe-ed a field all morning. My heart is slowly being worked on, but I feel more filled with the Father as I woke this morning!
(working hard, obviously with Steph and Phillip)
DISCLAIMER: These blogs are not meant to make you sad or upset or feel guilty! This is a wonderful and beautiful process the Father is taking me through. It is all for the greater things He has for me 🙂
