Deep breathing.
That is what I’ve been doing periodically since I’ve been home from training camp. I’m processing my life right now, and sometimes, I just need a big deep breath and some quiet time.
I’ve tried everything to get into that presence that is so sweet… prayer, study, posture, worship through dance, worship in song, worship in song-writing, painting, walking through nature (peeling bark off trees, really), and sitting quietly. Y’all, I am so expectant… but I’m not feeling great about this time. I’m not feeling that sweet presence, but I am going to keep acting in obedience until that day comes. It is how I first fell in Love… obedience, that is.
Sigh, I just miss that satisfaction of Jesus’ presence. I can think back to the days when I first fell in love at 14 years old…
I worked at a camp that encouraged scripture memorization and reading, so as a rule follower, I obeyed. The Word changed my life dramatically, but I didn’t know it until that first day 3-4 weeks in when I woke up with 5 minutes to get to work and didn’t have time to even skim a verse or glance in the mirror. That was a bad day. I tripped on mashed potatoes. It was also the day I realized I had been transformed by the renewing of my mind; I had been walking with the Spirit and hadn’t even recognized it.
I think back to that summer and my free time. I would spend it sitting under a birch tree in a meadow with those little purple and yellow weed/flowers. There was a brooke to my left behind some trees. I would sit there and play my guitar, make up songs, read a few psalms and talk to God. I spent hours under that tree with my Love. Oh, the memory of that field is magnificent. Even the ants.
I was so intensely satisfied… and this isn’t about a montage that a fond memory has. I was truly satisfied because I loved and enjoyed Love. I was a little tulip, just being a tulip. When I came home after 8 weeks, I crumbled to the floor of my bedroom and wept and groaned because I knew the safety of ‘the garden’ was gone, and now my world would be shaken, and I would have to fight fro my relationship with Jesus. I wept because I was desperate for Jesus to walk with me. I knew the walk would be uphill.
I can relate to my 14 year old self.
I am desperate to walk in step with the Holy Spirit as my guide and helper.
I am desperate to see Jesus face to face, to see my true self.
I am desperate for a renewing of my mind, for lies to be shed.
I am desperate for rest… the kind that comes from not trying.
Oh God! He will bring me to his sanctuary soon and very soon. So very soon.
I hope you are encouraged, sweet reader. Life with God isn’t all frills and excitement. Sometimes we gotta act in obedience before the fresh winds come. Are you desperate?
With all my love,
Cass, Casey, Cassandra, Cdub
