(This was written last week in Dayton, Ohio when I was visiting and surprising my family. We went to the movies, I surprised my Aunt Melissa and my grandma Rara, and went to the Columbus Zoo!)
I have NEVER been asked to wait, to be still, or to sit…
As much as I have been in the last three months.
Good grief. God has told me to shut my mouth, to wait on Him, and to hide the things that He has given me.
Does that make sense to you? Me either.
A few weekends ago, as I sat next to a beautiful lake that was hidden in the deep woods of northern Georgia, I waited.
Our “task” for the day was to spend a majority of our time alone, with Him, and just be. So I sat, and waited. We were asked to find a spot and stay there, but as much as I tried, I could not just sit. There was too much beauty around me waiting to be seen. There were different views of the water that were calling me to SEE what they saw every single day. How could you possibly just sit in one spot when there was SO much around you to see and to soak in?
I moved four times. Before I moved, before I got restless, I sat patiently.
As I sat, He gave me this verse:
Wait patiently for the Lord, be BRAVE and COURAGEOUS. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14
I didn’t understand what was brave or courageous about waiting. Waiting doesn’t involve risk or boldness. Waiting is sitting and not doing anything!
“Lord that is not something that comes natural to me. I love taking risks. I love being a fool for you. When someone dares me to do something silly like hug a stranger, or to even do an interpretive dance to Indian music at the front of a movie theater, I do it. My eyes get all crazy and I am beyond willing and ready. I am ready to stick my neck out for you. I am ready to make moves and put myself on the line, on the front lines, for You. Why on earth would you want me to wait? I’m ready to do anything for you, so why would you ask me to wait and be still?”
A few months ago, when I was home for just a few short weeks for Christmas after returning back to the states, He answered those questions before I even had a chance to ask them.
“Britt, I know how I have made you. I love how bold you are. I have entrusted you with a lot. You could take all these things that I have spoken to you and potentially make things happen, in your time. But will you trust me? Will you submit to me and let me move on your behalf? Will you be silent and wait, so I can bless you? So I can pursue you the way you deserve to be pursued? I have given you glimpses of your inheritance, but will you trust my timing? Will you stand firm and not waver, but also be still? Will you give all the things that I have shown you and told you, back to me, and sit with open hands? Trust me. I have given you glimpses to prepare your spirit and your heart. I have given you glimpses to excite you and fill you with hope. It excites me too! Will you completely give me EVERYTHING so I can protect you and MOVE on your behalf? So I can be your Father and bless you, my daughter?”
Wow. Reflecting back on His requests now is really convicting. During these past few months, I have indeed given Him everything back and have entrusted my WHOLE heart into His hands, but man it has been rough! I have almost walked away from the things He has promised me multiple times. I was about to tonight as well.
Waiting sucks. But it's beautiful.
The image He has given me recently is that of a stage production. Before the event was ready, He came and grabbed me by the hand as I sat there, seeking Him. He guided me down the aisle and led me up the stairs to see what was happening behind the curtain. He chose to give me glimpses of major highlights, some awesome adventures, romance, and even parts of what I believe would be some of the ending scenes or the grand finale of the number.
After seeing all that, you try going back to sitting and waiting, especially if it was your story that is just waiting to be lived out.
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By His grace, some days I am filled with complete peace and I am completely content waiting
but other days…
Let me just tell you, it is ridiculously hard to stand firm when the things that you are seeing with your eyes, also known as reality, don’t look like the glimpses you have seen.
How do I continue to hold on?
Faith. Trust. Definitely by things that can’t be mustered up on my own. Things that the spirit gives: precious fruits that fill me with PEACE, patience, joy, and a special double portion of self-control.
It also wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t know His voice. If I didn’t spend time with Him constantly and consistently, I would have absolutely walked away a long time ago. I am holding on, sometimes by a thread, covered and drenched with His grace.
Oh, and hope too. That’s a big one. Hope is actually what I cling to. My hands are getting tired and worn out. But His grace continues to strengthen them. It’s beautiful really. In all this mess and inner turmoil and yuck, I have never felt closer to Him. If that’s the case, it’s definitely worth it. In my heart at least, that makes it worth it.
So, I guess I will keep holding on. I will keep waiting. I will keep sitting. I will keep being still, because He is the one sitting with me waiting too. In the meantime, while all that stuff behind the curtain is being prepared, He and I are hanging out, laughing, crying together, and learning more about each other. Well actually, He already knows me better than I will ever know myself; so really, it’s me who is doing all the discovering. On the days when I want to run up to the stage and begin living out the things that He has shown me, or even to run out of the theater and away from Him, I hope I choose to sit and be still with Him.
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It’s an honor Jesus. It truly is an honor and I would rather sit with You here, with the tears and longings, than be peeking and watching all that other stuff take place. Help me to enjoy and TREASURE this precious time of just me and you, hanging out. I choose You, over your promises. I choose you, over your gifts and blessings. I choose you, and the pain, as long as it means I am sitting with you.
What is your heart posture when it comes to all this stuff?
