Rwanda has been beautiful, but it has also been painful. But, I signed up for this. I signed up to recognize the things in me that don’t align with how God created me to be. And that began this month, in Rwanda.
(This is an excerpt from one of my journals. I am choosing to share this with you because I want YOU to hold me accountable to choosing joy. In everything.)
Start Journal Entry
I am an external processor so I tend to just blurt out how I am feeling, in any moment. Essentially, I have no filter when it comes to sharing what is on my heart or mind. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. And I will talk to anyone who will listen. While some of those things can be good qualities, they also have a really nasty side if left untamed.
Honest moment here: I have left that side untamed for far too long. I have wounded people with my words. I have killed joy in the atmosphere with how I am feeling. I have spoken in blunt terms. I have said everything I have felt. I have not held back my misery, and have placed it on others. And I have allowed my attitude to dictate those around me.
I hate that I let that happen. I also hate that I have allowed the enemy to blind me from it. Until now. Now I am aware of what I am doing to those around me. And it wasn’t until I got into this community on the World Race that I realized that. It is because my team loves me and wants to call me higher that they have put a mirror in front of me and showed me the power of my influence.
I am an influencer. I have the power of presence. Which means I can change the atmosphere in which I walk. I can change it for good or for bad. That is my choice.
Coming to this moment in my race wasn’t easy. I had to accept some difficult feedback from my team and my leadership. But reality must be embraced before it can change. So I had to realize this was in fact real. This is something I am doing. I am using my influence in a negative way. And it is not fair to myself and to those around me.
It all came about when our home in Rwanda was infested with bed bugs. I was so miserable. I was so uncomfortable. I was so broken. All my stuff – everything I brought on this Race – was laying on the floor of our bedroom soaking in medicine, preparing to be boiled in water so that the bugs would leave. In the peak of this situation, I didn’t see anything good. I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I didn’t think this situation was fixable unless I went home and bought all new gear. (I know, that’s dramatic – but that is how I was feeling!). So in this situation I was so overwhelmed that I let every emotion come out in negativity. Even in the “good moments” I continued to bring about negativity.
It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my Squad Coach that I was able to realize what I was doing. My behavior was a pattern and a defense mechanism. I have been wounded by several people, situations, and words in the past that in order to guard myself from being wounded, I was now the one doing the wounding. “Wounded people wound people.” I was that wounded people in that infamous quote. Ouch. That hurt. My Squad Coach helped me realize that I can take control of my negativity and turn it into joy. In the bed bug situation, there was so much good that came from it. The team got closer through the chaos, our clothes all got a really good wash (probably the first one since leaving America), we got to experience more of Rwanda because we were given a few extra off days, and we all learned that bed bugs can go away. Good things came from this situation. And good things come from every situation we walk through; good or bad.
Negativity does not have to be my initial response. I don’t have to be negative. I don’t have to be a joy-killer. I can bring light. I can bring life. I can bring joy.
I realize that I have put on this false mask of negativity. It is a part of a false self I created over the years. From back when I was in High School I can remember situations where I changed the atmosphere because of my attitude: good or bad. And many times growing up, I didn’t choose joy. I chose to see the glass half empty. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to see the glass half full. I want to choose positivity. I want to chose joy.
End Journal Entry
As I was journaling this, I began to think about the day we met Angelic. She is a beautiful woman. She lives in the mountains, in a village full of negative people. People who are dunks and criminals. Yet, she always has a smile on her face. And her situation isn’t ideal. She survived the Genocide back in 1994 but she was beaten and raped. She was left with a physical disability in her leg and she has AIDs. Yet, she always has a smile on her face. She has joy. She is joy. She carries joy in the midst of her situation. And her situation is worse than bed bugs.
When you put things into perspective, you begin to realize everything you have to be thankful for. So who am I to complain? Who am I to be negative? Sure, the bed bug situation sucked and it wasn’t ideal. But there was a solution to my problem. There really isn’t one for Angelic. But still, she chooses joy.
This month, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I need to choose joy. This month I am leaving behind my negativity. And I am picking up joy. I am leaving the people, situations, and words that brought such negativity into my life. I am picking up freedom.
Count it all JOY my friends, when you tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, you faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of it prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4
It was in this situation that my true colors came out. And they weren’t the prettiest of colors. But they were colors I needed to see. And had I walked away in the midst of the situation, I wouldn’t have come to this point. I wouldn’t be able to work on and develop my character in this area. So, bed bugs, I am thankful for you. I don’t like you. But I am thankful that you decided to pay us a visit this month.
I have entrusted you to read a part of my journal, a part of my journey, and a part of my heart. But I don’t want you to just read this about me. I want you to read this and examine your heart. Where are you with negativity? Does it rule your heart? Or do you daily die to negativity and choose joy? Ask the Lord to reveal to you the darker areas of your heart. He will. And sometimes that will be in the form of bed bugs. For me, it was! And I wouldn’t trade that situation for anything now that I am on the other side and choosing to stand in joy.
Storms will come. Seasons will pass. And in every moment, I choose joy. I refuse to let my negativity take control any longer.
When the storm comes will you stand in the rain and choose joy? I know I want to choose joy. It is more fun 🙂
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