We had great ministry contacts in Penang Malaysia and I was able to work mostly in an art gallery doing everything I loved to do. Sort things, plan displays, build things out of random material (in this case metal pipes) and a host of other things that made my day. We were also able to go to Penang House of Prayer (PenHOP) twice a week and worship with and pray for some amazing people. We had a house with bunk beds, wi-fi, and air conditioning, we had an awesome (and cheap) Indian restaurant that was open 24 hours right across the street. They also happened to have the best bagged coffee drink for only $1.50. By all accounts this should have been the best month on the race…and in some ways it was, but somehow I felt like I was struggling to keep my head above water all month. As though there was some big thing that I was greatly lacking.
People would ask me from time to time what was up or what was bothering me. I really had no answer for them. I couldn't quite put my finger on it until the day Kara assigned us to write a monolog for team time. I laid awake one night and the words suddenly came pouring out like a waterfall. I realized that I had partially just given into comfort that month and let my spiritual growth take a back burner…and partially I was letting the enemy twist what a blessing Malaysia was into making me feel guilty for having so many things I loved. All these thoughts resulted in a spoken word which I VERY shakily delivered at debrief in front of my entire squad…and later Miss Riah Robinson recorded me. So here it goes. (The words follow just in case you don't catch everything I say… a room full of 50 some people or one lady with a video camera…same effect on nerves.)
*If for some reason this video doesn't work you can go to Youtube and search "Rebekah Perkins Spoken Word" and it should pull it up!
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I stand before an image made to self, constructed with my own two hands. My cares, my woes, my hopes, my doubts, my dreams, my fears, thrown together and boiled down into molten insecurities. Poured out and molded with my will and desires as the only guide. The result? A monument to my vanity and pride, an idol like Nebuchadnezzar never imagined..
As we all knows all that glitters is not gold, yet I have said it is so. I painted my pet sins in simmering colors and kept them at a distance. Hoping you wouldn't notice. I thought I had them locked away yet I am the one who is caged. Too ashamed to sit at your feet and hear of your love and grace. Remind me…why did I leave in the first place?
Did I not trust that the Creator of the Universe could create me new for His purpose? Did I fear that He who is Love would one day find me too broken to mess with? Or was it that you asked much more of me than I was willing to give? Because again and again I would profess that I would die for you, totally ignoring the fact that the question you asked was…”Will you live for me?”
You see…I found “all” to be much too high a price. So instead I give you the scraps of my day and expect you to prepare me a feast. Is this really the love that I think you desire? Or the love I think you deserve? Where devotion and sacrifice are just action-less words?
What have I done… what have I done I daily exalt myself over your Son! King of Kings you should be the love of my life and I was created to be your wife. Devoted to none but you, but I have been the harlot… running to the arms of other lovers. And even though it leaves me destitute I play the part of the prostitute trying to serve two masters.
And yet you pursue me still, with an ever increasing love, I don't understand it. In your mercy you hold a mirror to my face and show me the false reality that I created with my own two hands, for what it is…a tactic of the enemy… an obstacle to our intimacy. In my shame I would hang my head, but you lift my chin till we see eye to eye and you call me your truest love.
As I sit in your gaze I know this is the place where the rubber hits the road. A decision has to be made and a reality must be faced. So I look at the Truth and I look the flesh and I choose He who loves me best.
And this heart like David's starts beating wildly in my chest because I know…though imperfectly… I love you with all of me. With such a revelation I can no longer swallow my daily dose of lies and pretend this lukewarm effort is the best I have to give. And I find I cannot look into your eyes one more time and bring you yet another offering that cost me nothing. I am tired of being a living sacrifice that is prone to wander. So I bring my flesh, kicking and screaming and bind it to that alter. For you are my God, my lover, and I will have no other.
That which is unclean is a thing I don't care to hold onto. My prayer, take this little light of mine and set me ablaze. Send your refining fire and cleanse me of my impurities.
I am captivated by you and just let me declare I will worship you in spirit and in truth. And I will live my life from the position of sitting at your feet with my head on your chest hearing your heartbeat. And though it cost me all I have to give…and more. I will see your face on Earth before I walk into you eternal grace. Because I am hopelessly and breathlessly in love with you, for your are my God…My Father, and I…laying on this alter…am your daughter.
