First things first: I just realized something that perhaps you already knew. I am a terrible blogger. Not that I think my blogs are necessarily bad but that I don't keep up with them very well. (Example…I skipped blogging all of Thailand AND I still have a blog from Honduras I have yet to post.) I owe all of you an apology for this, so many of you have come on this journey with me and I have loved and felt your prayers and support. You are all very much a part of this and I will be better at keeping you up to date with what God is doing though all of us! (Of course you will have to extend grace for when I don't have internet!) Love you all and thank you for everything! Now without further adieu…
Shedding Thailand
We had piled our belongings in the biggest open space we could find in the crowded bus station.(Typical World Race fashion) I sat uncomfortably atop my bag in the middle of our man made mountain. The harsh florescent lights beating down made me feel like a dissected bug under a microscope. Every fault, every fear, and every thought were on display for all to see, I squirmed inwardly. I had been struggling emotionally and spiritually for a couple days by this time and I was in desperate need of talking it out but how do you do that when you aren't even sure what is going on. All I knew for certain is that I had almost made it through all of Thailand without crying and breaking down in a bus station on the last day wasn't an option. Besides…if I started crying I wasn't sure I could stop.
“Break my heart for what breaks yours…” has been one of my long established prayers. The line is from a beautiful song that goes something like, “ Show me how to love like you have loved me…break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdom's cause…” Singing the words of a song are a lot easier than walking it out. I have been known to be very judgmental in the past. “This is RIGHT and that is WRONG” and I had very little grace or mercy for anyone I deemed to be in the middle, including myself. God has changed so much in me since the beginning of the race and yet there is always room to grow.
I once again asked Him to give me His heart (only this time I really meant it)…turns out it was breaking for His creation. I felt the pressure of this spiritual growth spurt from the inside out. I was quickly outgrowing my boundaries and rules of who could be reached and loved by the heart of God and who couldn't. It reminded me of how an insect grows, it begins to develop beneath its rigid outer shell and literally growing until it breaks through. I wonder if it too feels like there is a point where it is going to be crushed inside its own "skin". It wasn't till we were well into our 22 hour train ride (after our 10 hour bus ride) that I realized that this process I was going through. What I couldn't put into words a few days before washed out in a torrent of tears.
I cried for the injustice I saw daily in the streets of Chiang Mai. I cried because I had somehow thought I had the right to decide who deserved the love of God or my prayers as I condemned the middle aged men who picked up teenage prostitutes…I cried for the girls and the John's (clients) and their brokenness… I cried for the children that I wrapped my arms around in the village; and had wondered if they would one day be sold to “provide” for their families…I cried for the families…I cried for the people who showed smiling faces and tryed to mask the hopelessness in their eyes… I cried because I couldn't speak into their hurting hearts and because I wasn't sure I would have even if there wasn't a language barrier…I cried for the people who made their ways to temples daily, uttering their prayers before lifeless idols when the living breathing Creator of the universe stands close by longing for them to know Him…I cried for the things I make into “idols” and put before God… I cried for the foreigners who went wild partying in the bars, trying to fill the void in their lives with whatever they could get their hands on. I wondered if they they even know what they are looking for…I cried for my own sins, shortcomings and unbelief…and I cried for a people so clothed in darkness that they couldn't comprehend the light.
When all my tears were spent I took a deep breath and felt something I hadn't expected…hope. God reminded me of a picture He had given me in one of our earlier team prayer times over the city. I was standing on a bridge staring down at dirty water. (There were “moats” all throughout the city in Chiang Mai.) As I watched a lone pale pink blossom drifted by. A little bit later two flowers drifted by, and then a little bit later a few more. As time passed they came faster and faster until waves of pink flowers were pouring through the waterways. Finally the moat couldn't contain them all and it overran its banks, covering the entire street with little pink flowers. We discussed it as a team and felt like the flowers represented the people of (and in) Thailand. This is my hope and promise, we spent a month planting seeds all through the streets and God is growing a massive garden.
To catch you up to date…We have started a new month (May) with a new country (Malaysia) with a new team (Aurora) and soon to be new Squad Leaders (Scott, Will, Marielle, and Riah) the possibilities of what God can and will accomplish in this month are literately limitless.
P.S. I just Googled what the color “pale pink” represents and wouldn't you know…unconditional love.
