Catastrophe: A sudden violent disturbance characterized by widespread destruction.
Yep… that one word perfectly sums up training camp.
I don't know if you are aware or not but there is a lot of time to think on a 12 hour car ride from Missouri to Georgia. I had ample time to guess and theorize, worry and hope, dream and fear. There was so much that
could take place in a week's time and I was determined to go over every possibility. We weren't even half way before my head began to pound. (Apparently my mind can only take so much conjecture at a time.) Somewhere in the middle of Tennessee I realized that this (TC & the next 11 months of my life on the World Race) wasn't going to work if I wasn't willing to embrace the process of change. Which meant that I was going to have to give up some control and get a little uncomfortable. I took a deep breathe and sighed," Ok God, change me. AND I'm going to LOVE the process!" As I think back I can almost hear God chuckling at this…" You have no idea…"
The week consisted of many things that I had expected… weird food, spiders, cold nights, lack of sleep/shower, uncomfortable heart to heart conversations, tears…
However, there were some unexpected things too… the wobble, hot showers, scorpions ( just little ones), a trip to the ER (allergic reaction to some fungus on a log… this was one possibility I hadn't considered in my 12 hour drive),
There were MANY MANY MANY amazing times at Training Camp. Incredible worship, intense teaching, spontaneous relationship building, breathtaking nature and so much more. There was one night though that I must tell you about… its the night everything got destroyed.
I think it was the third night service(maybe) , to be truthful I'm not even sure what Ron ( the speaker) talked about that evening, let alone which evening it was. All I know is at the end I found myself standing on the front row at the pavilion, desperately wanting more of God. I felt like God had just opened a door for me to fully step into his presence. There was just one problem…
The doorway was just big enough to accommodate me. Meaning that all the extra baggage I carried around with me was going to have to go. The funny thing about spiritual/emotional baggage, if you carry it around long enough it begins to form a wall. When its being built it seems like is meant to ensure safety, to keep all the scary and hurtful things from getting too close… but it also keeps God at a distance. Even though at least some part of me knew this, I was standing on the edge trying to figure out how I was going to get through the door with all my "stuff" intact.
I knew that I had built a wall here or there throughout my life… who hasn't, right? And there were certainly areas that I wasn't as close to God as I would like to be… but everyone has those. I comforted myself with the thought that I was probably closer than I had been in the past. Besides, God had already tore down some walls the night before, which hadn't exactly been painless. I took that to mean that I didn't have much more to let go.
You can imagine my surprise when I God showed me that I was right in the middle of a fortified city. I didn't just have walls I had built a fortress! It was a lifetime in the making and somehow I had been oblivious to it. As I explored the city I saw for the first time that I channels in which I was comfortable experiencing God. There were sections clearly mapped. There were some places I was willing to change and/or give up. And others that I might as well had a sign posted "OFF LIMITS! This means you GOD!!"
I thought back over the countless times that I had accused God of not being close. Of all the tear filled prayers to be fully in His presence and have His heart as my own… only to walk away disappointed. My heart grieved, how had I not seen that I was keeping Him at a distance?
"As long as it doesn't cost too much," Somehow I missed this blazing disclaimer I offered along with each prayer. I had been satisfied with moments of closeness, moments of obedience, moments of faith. I had traded His love and intimacy for a "warm fuzzy feeling" because it was safer… it cost less. It wasn't enough anymore, not for me and certainly not for God.
Everything else would have to go. I couldn't cling to my fears or even to my hopes. He was asking me, only me… not the person I wish I was… not the person I pretended to be… not the person I was afraid of becoming… just me His beloved daughter that He created… to step close to Him.
For a long time I was frozen, trapped in the middle of a fierce battle. I stood at the open door, with my toes on the threshold, unable to move forward and unwilling to move back. This was everything my spirit longed for and all that my mind feared. Finally, in desperation, and even feeling a little shame(the enemy tries to the very end), my heart cried out to God. "Will you just hold me!?!"
And suddenly…. there was widespread disaster. The catastrophic event that my mind had so feared was over and all that was left was light. It really shouldn't have surprised me since the Bible remarks that God gives beauty for ashes.
I don't know how you express freedom and pure joy before God, but me…I danced. I knew that a moment before I was standing in a room with 250+ people, but as soon as the walls came down it was just me and God and as far as I knew there wasn't another creature for miles. For the first time I can remember I didn't care what I might look like or what someone might think about me( A night or two before I had whined to God that I felt like a dying duck when I danced.) That night I learned to dance with abandonment.
This is just one of MANY life changing events that took place that week. I smile as I type this because I clearly remember thinking that nothing could top the experience of that night… I was wrong. I am convinced that God delights in the shocked look I get on my face as He blows past another expectation.
I went to training camp expecting expecting to make new friends, to learn new skills (like being able to put up my tent), and to learn more about God.
I never could have anticipated that a group of total strangers would feel like family by the end of the second day. To learn to eat soup with fish parts in it for breakfast (yes..I call that a skill). Or to encounter a living God in such a way that I will never be the same.
What a beautiful disaster.
