I wrote this blog a while ago – July 31st to be exact. So much in my heart and in my life has changed since then. I had just finished training camp and was in the process of abandoning my wonderful, comfortable life in Portland, back to California and then off to Launch for the World Race!
I remember being hesitant about posting it because I felt like the Lord was telling me that it just wasn’t the right time. Now that it’s a new year, I’m on a new team, in a new continent, I realize that I’m back on the transition train again. It’s a really hard place to be sometimes but I know that when I wrote this, He was molding me and still is. But it is so cool to look back on the things that I was struggling with and even things that I am still wrestling with. God knows our hearts and He knows our longing for FREEDOM from our sin. Sometimes that freedom begins with being vulnerable and bringing it into the light, so we can rely on Him as well as our brothers and sisters to call us higher than the life that we’ve been living.
~~~~~~
They warned us, post training camp days are going to be hard. After 10 days of getting filled, it’s time to pour out what we’ve been blessed with. I thought, “This is easy, I’m so happy, I love my squad, my team, I grew so much!” However, all it took was a few days of getting back into my routine for all of my fear & doubts to start coming back, for all of my shame & thoughts of unworthiness to start creeping in again. On my previous blog, I wrote about how being vulnerable opened up so many doors and made me realize how powerful the essence of a story is.
Well, let me be real with you all for a minute, bear with me.
A friend of mine encouraged me to write a letter to myself. A letter to my post-race self. A letter to show myself how much I’ve grown over the year. I’m gonna leave it somewhere safe so that when I return to the United States I’ll read it and see how much has changed, and also to see how much I’ve changed. A letter to look back and remember where I came from, to remember this low, to remember the struggles, to remember how much fear and doubt have tried to bring me down and ultimately to remind myself of how wrong I was.
This is rough scramble of the topics that I’ve been struggling with:
Being so busy and feeling unworthy because I don’t spend enough time with the Lord or reading my Bible. Feeling so far behind on fundraising. Comparing myself to those that are involved in all these amazing ministries and feeling like my connection group is so small and that I didn’t invest well enough in my community. Struggling with feeling confident about myself and my identity since I have short hair now. Feeling torn about giving up all of my possessions, and leaving it all behind. Feeling guilty for eating out rather than cooking on my busy days. Feeling like there’s never enough hours in the day to finish my to-do lists. Dwelling on past relationships that I had and beating myself up about it for not ending it well. Wondering why certain relationships didn’t work out. Feeling unworthy about having a voice to share my story and feeling like no one cares or wants to listen, and feeling incompetent about my influence.
So, this is me bringing up my garbage from the darkness and into the light. The reason I wrote this is because I hope that it brings you encouragement. Being a photographer and an idealist, a lot of people only see the “good or the pretty” side of my life. The don’t see the bad or the ugly, but I think it’s important for people to see all sides of my life. My life is not perfect, I have struggles, I cry, I have a past that I’m not proud of, but you know what? I am also a constant work in progress, and Jesus is at work in my heart and soul. He encourages me to share bits of my story to uplift others and make them feel less alone.
Then I remembered some powerful words. “You cannot conquer what you do not confront.” I want to look at the low in my life dead in the eye and tell it, “You will not define me anymore.” Sometimes it takes some hard punches in life to know what beauty and true joy feels like.
As the months progress, you’ll hear more and more of my testimony I’m sure but just be encouraged and know that there’s nothing that you can do that will make our Father love you less, He sees you with all your baggage and sin and loves you still, even if it’s repetitive. By walking with Him, He will also give you the strength and confidence to walk away from your problems and increase your ability to become the person that He has called you to be. I hope that whatever journey you take, you’ll write a letter to yourself, write about your lows, write about your struggles, be real, write about the pain, write about the offensive things because if you let Him, God will change you and make something beautiful out of you.
-B
