If you go to the About Me section on this very page you will find the following:
i am best defined by; my sense of humor, my heart for people, my passion for music, and my love for Jesus.
if you think i'm giving you a hard time, it's probably because you're my friend, or that i do not want to talk to you.
your move.
This is who I was. This is who I wanted to be. This is who I am.
I had a big dream, as I believe we all should. I believed in my dream with every piece of my being and carried myself in confidence knowing that one day I would accomplish it. My dad always told me "Shoot for the stars and if you don't quite get the one you want, perhaps you will get one near it." I took those words and kept them close to my heart knowing and appreciating the encouragement while also believing that I had the ability to someday reach the star that was intended for me; the one that I wanted the most, not quite believing if or how I could possibly settle for anything less. For many of those who know me and even for the ones who don't; I would like to welcome you into exactly what this dream was and is.
I was born. I started to sing. I learned to talk.
That's right; I was singing before I could truly even speak.
I know this might not make any sense but if you ever have the chance to have a conversation with my mother; she will tell you exactly that.
"She could sing before she could talk."
It wasn't something I just did for fun; although I received a ton of joy in doing it.
It wasn't something I just did because I was good at it.
It was something that just was; that's the best way to describe it.
By the time I reached the 6th grade, I had my dream completely figured out and began to express precisely what I wanted to do with my life. The following is a direct quotation of my dream at that time.
"I want to sing, I want to take music with me around the world. I want to be famous but not for the fame and fortune; I want to be famous so I have the resources to go to the countries and places that others don't want to go. I want to bring hope and love and Jesus to the places that are forgotten. I want to bring music to the kids in the slums of India, I want to sing with the girls in Cambodia, and I want to dance with the child soldiers in Uganda. I want to bring hope to the hopeless. I want to bring love to those who think they are loveless. I want to bring something; even if it's small, even if it is just a memory from one day when an American girl went into a village and sang some songs. I want to leave a mark. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. And if I have the capability to walk the red carpet, well… Shania Twain needs Jesus too."
My dream was big. My dream seemed radical. My dream, at times, seemed impossible. I graduated high school and continued chasing after my dream to sing. I received a scholarship for music and was a vocal performance major. My focal point in my major was to take a classical piece and develop it into something new; usually being blues, jazz, or soul. This is what I did and I loved it.
My friends at the small university I attended in Arkansas were all pre-med and pre-law and for the most part are lawyers and doctors now. The reason I am telling you this is I was deeply impacted by the thoughts, opinions, and lack of encouragement from this group of friends. I love them, don't get me wrong; they are amazing and beautiful people. They just lacked maturity in believing in something bigger than that which could be seen. They lacked faith. The things I was told during my first year at school were anything but words of consolation and optimism. My dreams were silly and in a sense, too childlike. They were anything but tangible and most importantly, they were not guaranteed.
In any aspect of life, it's hard to continue chasing the things we love the most when we are constantly told that it is not reasonable or even that it is ridiculous. There is really no assurance in that. There is really no comfort there. There is a lack of understanding, a distrust in the bigger picture, and an insecurity that lies within the realms of our dreams that we might not even realize is there.
I continued trekking on slowly towards my dream. Next stop: the church.
I grew up singing in church and loved doing specials on Sunday mornings. I was back in Texas and wanted to get involved in music. I wanted it to be a part of my life in every aspect. Multiple auditions at different churches to help lead worship and continuously hearing the words that replicated my voice not being what they were "looking for" did anything but encourage my already tender heart. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do it in church. I wanted to use the gift that God had given me but I accepted the fact that I just wasn't good enough.
Time went by. I put my dream on hold in order to help the guy that I was dating chase after his own dream. I believed in him. I lifted him up. I chased after that dream with everything in my being; partially because I had given up on my own. My time was utilized to do anything that would enable him to get one step closer to his dream. His dream was big, too. Professional athlete and Attorney all wrapped up in one. I believed it could happen. I could see it, taste it, smell it. I needed something to believe in and I accepted the fact that my dream would probably never come true anyway. Eventually, I came to the realization that he didn't have the drive to chase after this dream and my passion for it just didn't suffice. It ended, just like our relationship, and I was left alone in the dust with nothing to show for it. I was stagnant. I was useless. I was hopeless. I settled for this lie and this lie became my reality.
I struggled in knowing who I was, I questioned my identity because for so long, my identity was my dream. The dream that I knew God had put in my heart at such a young age. Where could I go from here? What other options did I have since I was already 23? I could have been half way through med school by this time. I began to compare my life to those of my friends; the friends who all along told me I should major in something very different. I didn't want to be a failure and my dream seemed further away from me than I could have ever imagined. It was as if it no longer existed at all. Frustration fueled my attitude, confusion consumed my soul, and a restlessness radiated redundantly through my days. I questioned my faith, I doubted my purpose and I didn't understand how God could drop the ball that I had been fighting to keep up in the air for so long.
In 2011, God moved me to a place where my heart had to heal. It just so happens that this place would not be walking down the sidewalks of smiling faces in Texas, it would not be inside the borders of an English speaking country, and ironically, it would not even be in a country where it is legal to freely practice any 'beliefs' at all. God picked me up and put me in the Communist controlled country of China. He put me in a country where I knew not a single person out of the 1.4 billion that resided there, he put me there not knowing a single word of the language, and he put me there with the understanding that I needed my heart that had suffered greatly, to heal. I willingly went. I had nothing else really going for me and I figured that if I wasn't singing, I might as well be doing the second part of my dream, traveling. Looking back, it humors me in knowing how God truly has a perfect plan. How he knew just what I needed and how he was willing to be patient, tender, and sensitive with my already shattered heart. He gave me the time I needed to trust in him and along the journey, I said a prayer I never thought I would say:
"Please God, just take my desire to sing away."
Less than 10 words. That is all it took and God did just that. He took my desire away.
In the beginning, I didn't understand why. I didn't understand how he could put such a huge desire in me if he didn't plan on fulfilling it. I didn't understand how he could allow me to use so much time in something that would have no result. I have now learned that God wanted me to see what it was like to live a life not having that dream at all. Although my time in China was amazing; there was a void that just couldn't be filled. A void where God gave me this talent to use and I no longer sought after it. I can't fully explain the feeling I had other than I just didn't worry about my dream. I was no longer sad that I hadn't reached it yet. I no longer truly cared if I would ever reach it at all. In and through this I learned how scary it is to be stagnant, to be lukewarm in faith, and to simply 'just be' without growth or drive or dreams. I had to learn to understand why he allowed the things he did, I had to learn to completely rely on him, I had to learn that we should not expect perfection from the imperfect. I had to learn that I could be big; I needed to be bold, and that the things I wanted were worthy of having. I had to learn that belief, no matter how sincere, if not reflected in reality isn't belief; it's a delusion and I had to learn that dreams do come true.
I am now in Romania. God put my dream of traveling and people and formed it into one. His timing is perfect. When asked what I want to do after the race; I basically just go off of 'the dream,' the one I have always automatically defaulted to; even though, now it has been 4 years since I have sang out loud in front of an audience, four years since I have been listening to the words but just can't quite let them slip out between my lips, four years since I have been lip-syncing during worship at church. I wanted to sing again. God placed the desire back in. So sneaky he is. Sitting in a country where poverty maps the land, where unemployment consumes 80% of the people, and where many peoples next meal may be based off of how much steel or metal they can find; I began to see my dream again. I began to see it from a different perspective. I began to see it from a broken heart. I began to see it through the wisdom I have gained and the lessons I have learnt. I began to see that I am traveling, I am loving people, and that I should be singing too. If I could just sing, I could truly be living the dream I dreamed of all along.
On July 21, still sick from the cold that my body has suffered for 2.5 weeks and a really scratchy throat; I sat in a room filled with people, many with whom I barely know and all of a sudden, heart-pounding, words begin to flow from my mouth in the form of music. I sing. I sing for the first time in 4 years. I sing in front of a room full of strangers. I sing and others join in with me. I sing and people begin to dance. I sing and people begin to smile. I sing and people begin to cry. I can't truly put into word form what that moment felt like but I can tell you that my heart had a burning sensation that I have never experienced. It felt as if all of those walls that had formed as a result of the hurt and pain throughout the years, the same barriers that had formed into calluses along the walls of my heart were being physically pulled off. All at once. A moment's time. That's all it took. I could feel again and the feeling I had was freedom.
I found my voice one warm night in a third world country. I found my voice surrounded by strangers who were willing to listen, encourage, and sing along. I found my voice in the land of the gypsies. I found my voice and now I am beginning to live my dream. This year, I will be singing, traveling, and loving people around the world. Sometimes our dreams can still be our dreams; we just have to see them from a different perspective but now I know undoubtedly, that dreams really do come true.
If you would like to make a donation, please click on the link below :))
