This past week I went to Cherokee Retreat outside of Atlanta, Georgia. I met the other members of my squad as well as my team of 7 other individuals that I will be working, living, and learning to love CLOSELY with, for the next 12 months. I went into camp with an open mind, knowing that we would be stretched physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
The lessons that we were supposed to learn in camp were some that I have already learnt but that many were learning for the first time.
- We had to be open to accepting people from different backgrounds, people from different places, and people with different stories. Easy Breezy.
- We had to work in teams in order to accomplish different tasks. NBD.
- We had to learn to know when to lead as well as when to follow. That's fine.
- We had to learn to open up, to share our stories, to shed our walls, and to recognize that it is okay to be beautifully broken. Let's do it.
- We had to learn to live with less. Bring it.
I have dealt with many things from my former and I am not afraid to share my story, however, timing is everything. There are choices in my past that were made that I am not proud of and at times I felt deep shame but I have swallowed many Pride Pills and have grasped the hand that was always there to help me up when I was down. I have coped, cried, and questioned and a long the way, I have found a peace in the road that my life has taken. I have found a joy in the laughter that was created from the past sorrows and I know undoubtedly that there is light at the end of tunnel. I have closed my eyes in order to see it.
I move at slow paces when it comes to my story; not because of shame, guilt, or fear but for discernment in timing that is no longer mine. Thank you Jesus for S l o t h M o d e.
I was thinking about all of the people I met, the activities I participated in, and the memories that were made. Camp seemed like it would never end. The days were long. The sessions were longer. The song lyrics were repetitive. It was an exhausting experience. I saw more people cry than I have probably seen in my entire life. I have seen pain surface. I have seen spiders, lots and lots of spiders. I have seen what it looks like when I only shower once in 7 days.
Hold. Your. Breath.
I have seen what it is like for people of different pasts to come together. I have seen what it is like to love people you barely know. I have seen so much beauty in each of our stories. I have seen hope for the future. I have seen forgiveness for the past. I have seen people truly stand up for what they believe in. I have seen faith in something that at times, is a struggle and I have seen true, selfless, unending, grace-filled love.
It took a few days for everything at camp to process. Many of the things I saw, went through, experienced, and felt at camp were things that were not new. I have lived in different parts of the world and I have eaten food from every continent. Small stuff. I have seen some things, I have done some things, I have lived some things, and I have lost some things. I have a past that is beautifully flawed. I have a story. I have already lived with close to nothing.
Ironically, in reflecting back on the 7 days that I spent in Georgia; I realized the last time I was in the Peach State was anything but peachy. The last time my feet touched that red rich clay; I was with someone who I put my dreams on hold for, someone who I would have gladly given my right arm knowing that it would be carelessly taken, someone who pushed me down instead of lifting me up, someone who easily took my innocence without questioning it, someone who made me believe that my family loved me less, someone who helped me walk away from healthy friendships, someone who discouraged me in my faith, someone who allowed me to lose my identity, someone who was quick to anger and used a weapon more devastating than his fists, and someone who watched me lose my life as he held onto his own. The very person that today, I was supposed to be married to. Through a process of rumination and comparison, I realized some things that brought light to some of the areas of my heart where darkness still resided.
The following is a list of things that happened for me in Georgia for the first time; things that were completely opposite the last time I was there.
- Others truly sacrificing something as simple as a piece of fish so that I wouldn't be hungry.
- Strangers who offered shoulders to cry on and didn't question my motives.
- Waking up in the middle of the night and genuinely laughing about something as simple as a red light on a head-lamp.
- A place where I didn't have to hide my vulnerability for fear of being pushed away.
- Affirmation instead of anger during difficult situations.
- Loving someone and realizing that that love was, is, and will be returned.
- Real encouragement, true loyalty, and deep love.
- God's Great Grace.
This is just a tiny speck of my story but I can honestly say that I know what it is like to live with close to nothing. I have had to live with less but in and through it, I have gained something more.
this is just the beginning…
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