This new season of life I have been in since I decided to do the World Race has been one of the hardest ever. Between quitting a job I loved, having friends walk out of my life, my mom being diagnosed with cancer (and all the craziness it comes with), switching church homes, deaths among those I love, being forced to get out of my comfort zone and meet over 40 new people via social media, all of whom I will be doing life with for 11 months, and so many other day to day things, all the while trying to raise over $16,000, has been a little rough to say the least.
It has been so hard to wake up every day and choose joy. Some days in the beginning of this season I quite frankly, did not. I was bitter, angry, resentful and did not really want to talk to anyone or deal with anything. The only time I felt happy in about a three week period was when I would babysit. (But that’s a given because I was working with kids I loved and how can you not smile when you hear their sweet laugh.) Other than that I just was not happy. I felt like everything was going wrong, nothing was good in my life and I just wanted to throw a pity party for myself.
I have had to learn over the years to allow myself to feel whatever emotion I am feeling otherwise I tend to bottle things up and explode on people. So I allowed myself to be sad and angry. But one day I was tired. All I was doing all day long was watching Netflix. How could I possibly be tired from that? And I finally realized what sort of emotional state I was in. A really bad one. One that I just really was too exhausted to be in anymore. I am not a person that enjoys feeling those emotions but I justified them because of all the nasty things that were going on in my life.
I was angry at God. Why would He put all this crap in my life months before I was going to leave my family for almost a year and do things I’ve never even imagined of? Shouldn’t I be excited? Wanting to learn more about who He is? Desiring to go deeper with the people around me so they could be praying intensely for me while I am gone? But mostly, why would He allow my mom to be sick right before I leave? Allow my precious family to go through something this hard right before I go? (Ask me about the what I have learned the answer to this question to be, it’s pretty cool.)
I realized I was becoming selfish. Not trusting in Him and His sovereignty. But going to my new church has been the best blessing. Already knowing what this church was about I was excited to go but not excited to be pushed. With the emotional state I was in I sorta just wanted to go somewhere where I could blend in and not have to question or get out of my comfort zone. But man oh man I am so glad I did.
Finally one day I decided to feel joy. I have made a bunch of new friends through my new church family, deepened relationships with people I have known for sometime but never really had good conversation with and gotten closer to people I never thought I would have. All of these people I have gotten to know are not people I had been doing life with in the past and that was a scary jump for me. But I know that is what I will be doing on a daily basis soon.
But the most important thing I have learned throughout this season is tetelestai, “it is finished“. Jesus last words on the cross. It is finished. I mean how profound and great is that?! All those emotions I was feeling day in and day out, He died for on the cross. The pain and fear of quitting a job and moving to a new church home, He died for that. The sickness of cancer and scariness and ickiness that comes with it, He took a nail for that. Forcing myself to be present and vulnerable with people I’ve never meet despite how silly and awkward it might feel, He was whipped for that. I can go on and on.
Looking back the Lord was just in a HUGE teaching season for me. Why? I’m not 100% sure. Ask me when I get back, I’m sure I will have a good answer.
So why feel those emotions? Why allow myself to wallow in my pain? I know coming out of those emotions it was so that I could feel the joy and love of the Lord the way I am now. Has every day been easy? Absolutely not. But at least now I know I can choose joy.
“When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.”
John 19:30
