Continued from “Now I Know – Processing My World Race Journey”
After the World Race, I made it home just in time for the holidays. As I told my stories I felt the need to sugarcoat stuff. I told people that it was “hard” and I had learned and seen “a whole lot.” I wasn’t ready for more expectations. Inside I thought I had the truth of what my year really looked like and it was hard to face the future of somebody who had “been there and done that,”… the life of somebody who had “experienced more in one year than most people experience in a life-time.” What tiny hopes and dreams I had come home with were crushed as I faced the expectations of a World Race Alumni. You were supposed to move on to bigger and better opportunities and I had failed miserably at the first attempt. These expectations didn’t come from friends or family… these were my perceptions. It was my false reality. They were the lies of Satan all rolled into one obliterating punch. Back then I didn’t know or see the enemy at work. Now I know.
I didn’t know what to do. While I couldn’t admit it to anyone, I felt like a huge failure. I didn’t want to let people in on the secret if they didn’t already know! In trying to make plans for my life I asked, “What could somebody like me do? I’ve not really succeeded yet.” As I sat around and pondered that, the pressure came. It really wasn’t meant in a condemning way, but I received it that way. People would say, “What are you going to do now Ashley? What is the plan?” I can still feel the cringe in the bottom of my spine when I think back to the first months of 2007 when everybody kept asking me these questions. I got defensive.
“I DON’T KNOW! Back off. I’ve just traveled the world… I don’t have to decide today.”
It wasn’t long before my calendar and my checkbook didn’t quite match up and I had to make a decision. I barely had the confidence to accept the position of Customer Service Supervisor at K-Mart. I was seriously at a low and just tried to hide it behind what pride I had left. I’m not sure who bought it. Through all of this Satan started planting the lies that my failures were bad marks against me in the Lord’s eyes, not just in the eyes of others or myself.
I actually felt like I was failing to meet the expectations of God. My quiet times with the Lord became shorter and less frequent. I didn’t want to face Him and feel the shame. My job kept me out of church often. There wasn’t any nourishment; there was nothing to keep me going. I didn’t know how lost I really was. Now I know.
In February of 2007, I started working at K-Mart. It was supposed to be a temporary thing until I “heard from God” about my future direction. I had lost all expectancy and hope for a purposeful and fruitful life and ministry. I didn’t hang out with people… talk to people… try to claw my way out of the hole. I just flat-lined. Now you might start to believe that I was depressed, but I don’t think that was my problem. Somewhere in my mind and heart I had decided that it was okay. I kept rationalizing my situation and telling myself that it was “just for now,” and that “a door would open.” I wasn’t depressed. I was just convinced that all of Satan’s lies were true.
One thing that I didn’t expect was that everyone would see through my charade. My parents were obviously concerned. My teammates began to wonder just how primitive West Virginia really was because I had stayed in contact with people better when I was in the middle of Africa! Alli Mellon, an AIM Staff member who had been in charge of the leaders when I went to India in the summer of 2005, was apparently concerned and praying for me as well. She had seen me at the height of my purpose when I was filled with expectancy. She saw me at the start of the race in Mexico when I was gearing up to earn my status and identity. She met us in India during the middle of the race when I was just coasting through. She heard the stories about me that didn’t match up with what she knew to be true about me. The whole time I thought my failures were obvious and discredited me in some way. Surely nobody expected much from me anymore. What a bunch of lies! Now I know.
I suppose Satan thought he had me. I was bound up in all my expectations and fears or failure. Praise the Lord for his love and redemption.
Continued in “Now I Know – Getting Unstuck”
