Continued from “Now I Know – Life After The Race”
So, fast-track through 7 months of HELL working at Kmart. I’m getting ready for my 1pm – 10pm shift on Saturday. I’m expecting it to totally suck. I’m expecting I’ll cry. I’m expecting there is nothing I can do about it.
I didn’t expect the phone to ring. I didn’t expect Laura, my fellow World Race teammate, to be on the phone. She was working with AIM and the World Race and probably because of my very sporadic and pleading emails, 
reached out a helping hand. I’ll be eternally grateful for that phone call. She said I could come and work in the office for the World Race for a while. They really needed some office help and they needed it fast. She asked if I could come in a week. She prayed for me that day and I cried on the telephone. That was the first time that I had cried with tears of hope in a really long time. God must love me a whole lot to reach down and hold me in that moment. He gave me a ray of hope. On the way to work that day I dared to hope and dream that my life wasn’t just Kmart. Maybe it could be a little more. Now I know.
By the next day I had decided to take a leap of faith. I was quitting and moving to Georgia without much of a plan. I didn’t really have a place to stay or the specifics on what my job was supposed to be. Laura told me about a friend of hers that I had met in Kenya randomly. She had just moved to Gainesville and was looking for a roommate and I might possibly be able to live with her. Laura seemed to think we would be good friends. I barely remembered meeting Kayla Phillips when I was in Kenya, but here I was talking to her on the phone about getting an apartment in Georgia. I arrived in town a week later on Thursday afternoon. I met Kayla in town and we looked at a couple of apartments and talked about commitments and year-long leases. It had been one heck of a stretching week, so those first few hours and big discussions really put me over the edge. It was more than I could handle and as I was sitting in Kayla’s car, waiting for the lady to show us another apartment, I just got overwhelmed and starting crying.
All the lies, all the failures, all the fears… they came in a rush in that one instance. What was I thinking! Why did I pack up and leave and come to Georgia without a plan? Now my failures wouldn’t just affect me, they would affect this girl too. The consequences of failing this endeavor were too much. Kayla must have been watching me hold all those emotions deep inside because she asked me if I wanted to pray. I couldn’t even speak. I just nodded my head. She prayed and I cried. There was an awkward pause in between her finishing her prayer and the moment when I was sup
posed to start. I didn’t want to open my mouth for fear of letting all sorts of pent up emotions out in this stranger’s car. Still yet, her prayer calmed me. I felt a peace that had to have come from the Holy Spirit. I regained my composure and probably left Kayla with an interesting first impression.
The next day I started my new job… on the first day of World Race training camp. I signed a lease on my first apartment with a girl I had met the day before. Kayla probably didn’t know what she was getting into. Neither did I. Now I know.
After the initial shock of my rash move, I started to settle into my new life. It was great. I moved slowly and took a few risks here and there because I didn’t have much to lose. Life here had to be better than Kmart right? There were at least people my age to hang out with in Gainesville. Laura and I were friends and it was great to work alongside of her in the office. My job was fulfilling. It may have just been answering emails and phone calls, but in comparison to my life at home it was an exciting ministry! I started to hope that I could hope again. Those first few months in Gainesville were a huge gulp of cold spring water to a soul that was thirsty and dry. I didn’t think it could get any better really. Now I know.
Through December I processed some of my World Race experiences and the life I had been living since returning home. I started to recognize the dramatic change in my life. For the first time I admitted to myself that I was “better” before going on the World Race. I just didn’t know why.
I kept stepping out in faith. I dared to hope. God was in the midst of it all and I was starting to build friendships and take on more responsibilities in my job. God was faithful to provide the encouragement I needed. I hadn’t realized just how much I needed somebody to “speak life” to me. Now I know.
When January 2008 came, so did a whole bunch of new people. Tons of people came to work at AIM in that time and the amount of twenty-something’s grew instantly. I can make friends fast, but Jimmy and I were pretty quick to connect over Survivor, Harry Potter, and World Geography. Seriously, we were instant friends. Kayla had been at home in Texas for the holidays, but as soon as she showed up we became a powerful trio. There was a close bond that I don’t think any of us could explain but God obviously orchestrated. God was doing a huge work in many lives and this was just the beginning of something unbelievable.
From January through June we worked hard and played hard. Community became real in the lives of all of us at AIM. We called our ever-growing group “The Band” and we prayed together, worshipped together, and goofed off. In the midst of a supportive and encouraging community I began to step out in ministry and in life. I was growing again. I was hoping. I may even have been dreaming a little. It was great. It was more than I expected after life at Kmart… much more. I chose into it.
Around June and July though, I started to settle. I needed a catalyst to spur me on toward something more. One night at “Band Church” we did a little listening prayer time. I was praying and thanking the Lord when He gave me the revelatio
n I needed. I always thanked Him for my new situation… my community… my friends… I thanked God because life was good. Would I still thank Him and seek Him with expectancy if all of this was taken away? In that moment I stopped and checked my heart. My answer was “Yes.” That night’s prayer time jumpstarted some radical revelations from the Lord over the summer.
By August we were running the Ignition Training Camp for the October 2008 squad. I was getting burnt out from a busy season and working through transitions in life. I wasn’t ready to commit to pouring out for the training camp. I was on the verge of taking over a new role and getting responsibilities I could easily mess up. Satan was on the prowl. The attacks and pressure must have shown in my life because Ben Messner approached me to ask how I was doing. “Fine,” I said.
I wasn’t failing… I wasn’t a mess… I could handle it all. I had to manage all of the changes and new responsibilities in order to keep my life that I had grown to love intact. Do you ever get the sense that somebody’s heart is burdened for you? Ben came over to me at the campfire that night to pray for me. I was scared of admitting my fears that were plaguing me and revealing the reality of who I was and where I had been for the past 3 years. While I had been in a good place for a while, I had gradually increased the expectations on myself, and I was on the brink of not being able to meet them. When Ben asked me what was going on, all I could tell him was, “I don’t know… something.”
He called me out that night by the campfire and I broke. My friends came to support me. They all prayed for me as I let loose the burdens of my heart… everything I’d held in for the past few years. The wall that blocked my path and future came tumbling down that night and I felt free. I could hope again. I viewed my future with a hope and expectancy that I hadn’t had in three years. It was awesome. I was free.
I called Kayla to share the news. Both she and Laura celebrated with me. I started to be vulnerable and real with those closest to me. I began to trust and be confident in my giftings. I started to believe that I was still the same person I was when I graduated college and I was still capable of doing everything I once dreamed of doing.
Since that night a month ago, I’ve had some battles. I’ve been fighting a little, but I think a lot of others have been fighting for me. One Wednesday during our normal AIM prayer time, God told me that I had been settling just because my life in Gainesville was better that my life at Kmart. He told me that there was more. I believed Him. I’ve been pressing in for more ever since.
