I signed up for this mission trip in April thinking it would be a year of me serving the poor, the homeless, the lost, and the ones who were sick. I thought I would travel to different countries to find the place God wanted me to serve, but this year is about more than me serving! I don’t think this reality hit me until this week. I signed up for an 11 month journey to find myself, learn what healthy community is, and to begin to see the bigger picture for my life. I just realized how weak I really am, how much I really don’t understand, how much I need God’s grace and power, and that I am going to be equipped this year to do what God has called me to do in life.
I feel at times I have no control whatsoever over my life. I feel like I don’t have a say in what I wear, where I go, what time I can do this or that, or what and when I can eat. We have a few items of clothes that we are stuck with and sometimes they are clean and sometimes they are not. We can’t go alone anywhere so we are at the mercy of others to go places. We eat what is provided and I have learned to not ask what it is and just eat it. I am not complaining, but at times I just feel like I have lost all control of my life. It is a hard place to be but it’s also teaching me to rely on others, to lean on God, and to learn it’s not my life, it’s God’s. I thought it was good enough giving up my life back home but God wanted more from me. He wanted my full dedication to serve Him in all areas of my life.
I have moments that I can’t believe I signed up for this and then there are moments I am excited about growing and learning! So now I am learning not to live this year on my emotions. I am learning that God wants me to continue to grow in Him and to do so I must die of myself. Its hard not to want to be selfish of myself. I don’t like admitting things I need to lay down before God. I don’t want to lay down my desires and thoughts, but to grow in a deeper relationship with Christ, I have to. I have to give Him all of me and not just part of me.
As I am laying down things for God and getting rid of things in my life that are in the way of God it’s hard and painful at times. I struggle within my own thoughts if they are worth giving up. I could be ok with them but deep down I know I must give them up. I search deep and just when I think I am where God wants me something else rises to the surface and I must lay it down. I never want to get to the place where I think I’m perfect and don’t have things keeping me from the fullness of God. I want to continue to lay down things to better serve God. The more I lay down the more God can equip me in life. In my weakness He can give me strength.
