Lately I have found myself incredibly frustrated with people who know but don’t do anything about it. Ya know, those people who finally seem to “get it” and accept Jesus, and cross that line and then just sit down? Yeah, those people. How are you not moving at all? Not even a crawl? Nothing…? Okay, cool.
I’ve had so many doubts and questions arise in my heart recently. It’s been really confusing and exhausting. Yesterday all the doubt and confusion kind of came to a head and went KA-BLAAAMM. I literally didn’t even know where to begin to sort through it all. Maybe I still don’t. But I picked up my bible and I looked in the back for references to the word “lost” because that’s really the only description I could think of for my current state. I stopped for a second and asked God to speak into my heart and this was the first thing I found:
Isaiah 6:5 – And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!”
Okay God, yeah, I am lousy, and I am in the midst of lousy people, and I haven’t literally seen You, but I’ve seen You and ummm, I don’t know, what are we getting at here? So I kept reading…
Isaiah 6:9 – And He said, “Go, and say to this people: Keep on hearing, but do not understand; keep on seeing, but do not perceive.”
OHHHH. So the reason I’m frustrated with people is because I actually see a reflection of myself in them? Makes sense. “Keep on hearing, but do not understand.” – I have a really thick skull. Sometimes I need to hear things more than once. But I wonder – will I ever truly understand? “Keep on seeing, but do not perceive.” – I see God show up all the time. The Lord shows me His love, grace, provision, mercy and comfort CONSTANTLY, but will I ever truly recognize it?
You might be wondering where in the world I came up with that conclusion from that passage, but I know it’s from God because it speaks directly to my heart. It’s bringing to light an area of darkness in me that needs to be worked through. God brings things to light because HE IS LIGHT. I walked across the line and kept going for a while, but eventually, I sat down too. I don’t think it matters where we are on the path when we sit down. So how can I be frustrated with the people who are sitting down back there when I sat down too?
So what now?
1. Community – I have isolated myself from people. I can count the people I really trust on one hand and I even find it hard to open up to them at times. Realizing this and knowing that I can’t continue on this way, I have asked a few people to come alongside me and form an authentic, Christ-centered community. It scares me a lot, but I know I need it, and I know I will benefit from it (and I’m praying they will, too).
2. Go back to church – I haven’t gone to church in a while. Oops. I allowed my frustrations to distract me from the real reason to go to a corporate worship gathering. I need to be fed and poured into. Listening to podcasts just isn’t cutting it anymore.
3. Pray – I’m committing to becoming serious about being in communication with the Lord. This means both talking to Him and LISTENING to Him. I’m hoping that being in community will help hold me accountable to this.
Look at that – I think I just stood back up…
I’m super pumped that I have hit the $500 mark in fundraising! I’m so grateful for the love and support I’ve received so far. Stay tuned for some new fundraisers coming up, and as always, if you feel led to donate, you can do so by clicking the “Support Me!” button at the top of the page!
