I’ve had a lot of time with my thoughts lately.
I have an hour commute each way to work, and I don’t really like the radio, so most days I just drive in silence with my thoughts.
Last night I was aimlessly wandering Target and I came across an aux cord that allows you to play music from your phone/iPod through the cassette player (which is what I have in my car). HOLLAAA. Best invention ever.
I was very eager to drive to work this morning, knowing I could listen to my music and not just chill with my thoughts. I went through some of my old playlists on my phone, and came across what used to be my favorite worship list and decided to play that.
It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to worship music without an agenda (ie. planning worship).
It starts with some United Pursuit, then moves on to John Mark McMillan, followed by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. It was coming back to me why I loved these songs so much.
Then, I Want It All (Just Give Me Jesus) by Daniel Bashta came on. I don’t know how I have listened to this song countless times but never noticed the lyrics. The words literally describe my current heart condition.
“My heart is cold and faith is weak
But I’m still looking for the real Jesus
Oh I know there’s more than this
So give me the real thing, not just religion
Stir up my passion with more of conviction
I want it all, not just a portion
Give me Your presence, not just some feeling”
Ohhh, that’s good.
I’ve been having such a hard time lately, both emotionally and spiritually. I’m struggling with investing in people because I know I’m leaving in September for a year. I’m struggling with trusting God to provide the way for me to go on the Race. I’m struggling with close friendships and feeling like I’m not enough for those people. I feel like God is distant, but I haven’t been reading my Bible as much as I should, praying as much as I should or been in communication with Him like I should. I’m struggling with the Western church and complacency. It hurts me to see my fire for things I used to be so passionate about dwindle out. My heart is cold and my faith is weak.
But I haven’t given up. I am still looking for Jesus because I really do know there is so much more than what I feel right now.
There are three big reasons I’m going on the World Race, one of which is that I want to find the real Jesus. I want to know Him in ways I could never imagine. I want to pursue Him in ways I have never pursued anyone or anything in my life. He knows He is the utmost desire of my heart, and I know my calling to the World Race is a call to abandonment, obedience and dependence on Christ alone. I want all of Jesus, not just bits and pieces.
The thing is, I seem to keep forgetting that this call doesn’t start when I launch in September. It started the second it was revealed to me that this was the path the Lord was leading me down. There’s an old quote: “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” God is calling me to TODAY. To be present and seek Him and take the charge of the calling TODAY, not tomorrow or in September.
So, I invite you to join me in prayer that the Lord would reveal himself to me in new ways, that He would renew my spirit and my heart, that he would give me a “today” mindset, and that I would trust Him in the midst of it all.
I’m so thankful for the support and feedback I have gotten thus far in this journey. I honestly could not do this without each one of you. If you feel led, you can donate by clicking on the “Support Me!” link on the left of this page. Thank you again for being a part of this adventure!
