The past several months have been rough. There have been a lot of exciting things going on, but along with that, there have been some tough, trying times. I’ve become so good at making people believe I’m doing well, that I think I started to believe it myself. That is SCARY.
So, friends, I have a confession:
I’m not okay.
I can’t pin point it; in fact, there is no reason at all that I can think of as to why I feel this way. I’m just not happy. The joy I once had is gone. I’m tired and weary and confused at all times.
When did it become a thing that we need to have it all together at all times? Jesus says “come to me all who are weary and burdened” not “get it together, all who are weary and burdened, THEN come to me”. Praise for that.
I finally spoke up to two of my close friends about how I was feeling. I described my desperate feelings of loneliness and emptiness, my attitude of indifference and complacency, my overall frustration with life, and how I felt that God was so distant. Their first words (each in separate conversations) lovingly asked something along the lines of “How is your relationship with the Lord?” That’s truly a sobering question. What’s even more sobering was my response. It took me less than a second to know the answer, but a little longer to be willing to be honest with myself and them, uttering “nonexistent.” It hurt as the words rolled off my tongue.
The reality of my situation is this: God was not far from me, I was far from Him. What I wasn’t willing to admit to myself was that I don’t trust God like I should. I don’t trust Him to love me, support me, defend me, provide for me, care for me, the list goes on and on. I decided I would rather not face anything than dive head first into the bottomless ocean of trusting God. I allowed my fear and circumstances to take precedence over my relationship with the Lord. I drove the wedge, I created the empty space I felt between us.
I’m so overwhelmed by the fact that even when I give God the worst version of me, He still gives me only His best. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
No, friends, I’m not okay — but I will be, because I know the distance isn’t permanent. I know the Lord is waiting for me to stop stiff-arming Him and close the gap. He meets us right where we are, amidst our broken, complacent, frustrating mess, and for that I am truly thankful.
“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” (James 4:8)
