Arriving in Cambodia and riding on our tuk tuk through dirt back roads I had no idea that love was waiting for me in one boy at the end of the roads journey.
I had no idea that my heart was going to explode every day for the next month because of one boy.
I had no idea that my eyes would fall on his and instantly I would be bonded because of one boy.
These things I could not prepare for and did not expect to have happen. But there he was, Joshua, waiting for me at the end of that road.
Since being here it has been a whirlwind of emotions and heart explosions everyday due to the love filling, welling up in my soul. What can one human being carry that can indefinitely change you? What can one boy that you can barely speak with do to your heart in just days?
Life with him looks like many things.
Sometimes it is sweeping around the house early in the morning.
Sometimes it is watering the plants that he is so proud of.
Sometimes it is watching Thai TV shows in Khmer.
Sometimes it is wrestling, ninja kicks, and tickle fights.
Sometimes it is folding his laundry.
Sometimes it is putting his 12 year old self on my back and running around like wild people.
Sometimes it is spent watching him play marbles with all the boys.
Sometimes it is sitting quietly and just being.
No matter what it’s always full of love, some moments may be louder than others externally but in the heart they all resound in my heart.
His heart is not won easily though. Being older in the house he can feel the pressures of growing up and not being loved like a child anymore. I know he feels greater responsibilities due to his age and him having lived here for years. He loves in small quiet ways that you have to keep the eyes of your heart open to or else you will think other wise.
After almost two weeks already spent with him I thought that maybe he was going to start trusting love and that no matter what his past says about it that the present and future can be different. That he can be chosen and loved. That he can be pursued.
And he did.
Sitting on the tile floor of the front room of the house packed with all the kids (mind you the motorbikes are parked in this “room” as well) he sat beside me, still keeping a “grown up” stature but slowly leaning and resting into my arms as our movie started playing. I was content in that moment by itself but little did I know how my heart would explode as the night went on.
All at once my heart sunk when he suddenly rose up from the floor and sat in a chair behind me. My selfish heart didn’t want to lose that previous moment. I leaned on the corner of the plastic red chair he was sitting in to give my back a rest and then he let me rest against his knees and I was shocked. As kids kept piling up, cuddling around me and I would brush my fingers through the other boys hair he would pat my shoulder or wrap his hands around my head letting me know he was there still.
As the movie ended kids started moving, rushing around with energy and he just stayed, holding my hand around his shoulder. I wanted to pause that moment forever and never lose it. (Maybe that is partly why I am even writing this to begin with, for my own memory’s sake). But then it was time for bed so I gave him all the hugs he could take and told him I loved him and his eyes lit up and he began to flash the grin he has that gets me every time.
It was then that I realized that not only did I choose him but he chose me. And I felt like I couldn’t possibly take in more love at the moment.
As I type this Jesus reminds me that while yes I can choose to love Him and pursue Him, He is still the One truly pursuing me and each of us. It’s the pursuit of our hearts that allows us to love those around us. Feel His pursuit of your heart today and how that pursuit allows us to love others.
