These were the only things from the outside world that could be found in the jungle. These were what me and 25 others lived for every day. These were what I walked to the store (if you can call it that) for to satisfy my fleshly want to fill my tummy with more than just potatoes and chicken day in and day out. These strawberry flavored wafers and apple juice bags. They were the only sweet satisfaction that could be found to quiet, or at least momentarily hush, my screaming flesh.
It was a sorry sight. My physical needs were being completely met, but my wants were not. And that made my flesh and my ‘right’ to entitlements rise up and start screaming loud and clear. Not just the desire for food other than potatoes was screaming at me, but the desire to not be eaten alive by bugs, the desire to shower in something other than a river, the desire to not sleep on cement, the desire to not hear roosters all the time, the desire to have alone time, the desire to not be sweaty, the desire to not be sore and permanently stained with varnish, the desire for an escape from the middle of nowhere, literally.
All these fleshly wants and desires began to rise up very quickly when I was stripped of the comforts of the world. When I was placed in an environment when, literally, my only comfort and satisfaction, had to come from the Lord. I thought coming on the Race was the surrendering of these things. I thought I was so accomplished in this area. I thought I had surrendered the comforts of the world for the comforts of the eternal. But I was wrong.
Now, after coming out of the jungle, I can look at it and laugh at how ridiculous I was. How ridiculous I am. I can see now how I am still in such bondage to the world. I can see how much it distracts and causes my focus to go everywhere but on the Lord. I can see how necessary it is to become completely surrendered to the eternal to be able to see the fullness of the kingdom. To experience the fullest freedom my Father has created me to experience. But at the time, I felt like I was lost in a fog. Like I was suffocating. The holds and chains of my flesh were bringing me down to a point of suffocation. I want freedom. My eyes have been opened to the true death of my flesh, what it can look like and how I can be free of it.
The world will hold me no longer. I will desire freedom. I will surrender the stuff, the ‘comforts’ I want so much more. I want to see more of the kingdom of my Lord. I want to be an active instrument in the kingdom. Not held back and not fogged in by my flesh. I don’t want to be reliant on the stuff. To be held captive by wafers and juice bags. No more.
Epilogue:
During my prayer and journaling over this, the Lord led me to two specific passages of scripture that spoke loud and clear to me. I’d like to share those with you now.
‘but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful’ Mark 4:19
(emphases are mine, of course)
‘Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.’
2 Corinthians 3:17-18
