Well, I have sat down about a dozen times trying to get this blog going and, I never felt quite organized to put thoughts onto paper.
Go back and read the blog from
| 8/15/2014 | Who needs straight lines anyway? |
and you’ll see that “organized writing” is not really my style.
So, dear blog reader/time killer/study postponer…here it goes anyway.
Torn is more like it. I am so sick of being in the middle, being lukewarm.
You do not get to have the rose petals and sunshine and the cotton candy while serving the Lord and asking him so causally to “break your heart for what breaks his” without having the toe stubbing the bedpost, the “missed the nail” hammer crushings, and the yuckiness of a nasty, nasty rotten old fruitcake.
More clearly, you do not get to celebrate in the goodness and glory and pleasantness and simplicity and ease, no work required, [American man-made Christian culture] without the agony, pain, suffering, and truth and reality of the Christian walk.
Yeah, it just got real.
Because, somewhere, somehow, I have slowly merged into this manufactured Christian who causally mentions God every now and then. Who might show up 26 minutes late to the church service just to occupy a seat so I can say, “oh yes of course I attend church”…Who has accepted (the now traditional way of Christian faith) by cheerily checking the desk drawer to see my fire insurance eternity plan neatly tucked away in its little page protector.
Meaningless. So causal. Without any depth.
Well, I am done with that crap.
I’ve been praying and seeking and investing in this lately…
{{Believe me, dont pray this over your life if you want to stick with the lollipops and rainbows.}}
“Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours”…
And its not just Words. Phases. Promises. Commitments.
or even lyrics…
….that we mumble through.
And, I’ll admit, I’ve said this hundreds of times so causally before. Without any depth or consequence.
But this time…
No, this is much deeper than that.
And, its hard.
Life changing.
and, yes, it is even >>Lonely.<<
and, quite honestly, I am exhausted from it.
The spiritual ramifications that are tacked along with it are harsh and intolerant.
I have been so careful to avoid the news or media….
because everytime it comes on, I am an oversensitive, puffy eyed, emotional wreck.
and, thats ok.
And, I am torn because there have been many days when I’ve prayed, begged God to just come back and end this world. To end this suffering. To end the hate. To end the pure evil.
To just go ahead and make his second coming.
Isn’t enough, enough God?
All the crap with ISIS- is that not far enough for you, Lord?
Isn’t the human trafficking sickening to you God?
How this country is falling apart with open boarders and unregulated and unaccountable decisions?
Does it not keep you up at night to know that people are purposely killing one another just because of the pigment of their skin?
It makes me nauseated just thinking about the hatred that my Police Officer husband faces…everyday.
AND then… in my frustration of Jesus not coming back right then and there in my plea… I fall apart.
Because I think…what about the people who have never heard the name of Jesus? Its so incredible to think that people could live without ever hearing the name of Jesus ONCE in our IPad and social media driven life… but, they are out there.
I’ve met them. I’ve been there and seen their faces the first time they have heard of Jesus.
It would not be fair or just. Its like, Mark 16: 15 isn’t REALLY intended for us.
But.. it does apply to us.
and, it applies to me.
So, even though my heart is torn and breaking and full of sorrow at our crazy world…I can not ignore my calling or command.
I know God’s heart breaks over the abundant evil here.
but….
I also know that it breaks His heart to see his children lost and gone astray.
and, if I truly desire for the things that break God’s heart to break mine…
then, this is a call to be proactive.
Because No, I can not stop the ISIS terrorist with a “please, sir, stop.”
I can not save that 9 year old girl from being sold into slavery tonight.
People’s opinion of my husband’s police badge will not change simply because I post a picture of it on facebook.
But, I can show kindness to my classmate.
Having consistency in my faith could make a difference.
I can personally spend time in God’s word and in prayer.
Choosing worship over self.
There is a lot of things we cannot do or control.
But, in the midst of seeing all the things that break God’s heart,
strive for the things that bring Joy to His heart too.
I’m sure He could use that.
