Umm.. so this is 2658 words long.
Its ok if you don’t really want to spend the time to read it…
its… a little ridiculous.
But, this is an email to my squad mate, Amanda who is currently leading in Zambia.
(Check her out and help fund her at www.amandafackler.theworldrace.org)
and this is how Brittany Maynard and Amanda Fackler changed me.
Amanda,
I have been thinking about you a lot lately… and, I have been putting off emailing you.
Mostly… because if I choose to email you, that means I have to face my giant. And, come on. Who really likes doing that. So, here it goes. You might want to just download this onto your computer and not burn up all yo’ internet time trying to read this…. I have a feeling that it might be a long one.
And, I’m not going to try to be delicate with my words.
Here I am: raw and vulnerable.
and, don’t go easy on me.
((I need it, I am sure))
oh, and also, don’t expect this to be in logical order, either.
circular train of thought, lots of “rabbit trails”…
And, forget grammar and political correctness.
here we go.
You know how sometimes you might get a thought in your head…
…you kinda brush it off…
ignore it…
call it silly.
maybe even irrational…
then, somehow, it keeps circulating back around.
and, the harder you shove it away, the more elastic it becomes.
then, pretty soon… its like a freakin’ obsession.
you can’t get away from it.
and, it was supposed to be “overlooked” to begin with…
but now… its dominating.
ya know?
Well. That has been me toward you.
{{totally random, I know, right?!}}
Heck, I honestly don’t even know where you are right now…
but, its like day in and day out…
I find myself….
*whispers*
*pretend this is really, really tiny font*
(((((jealous)))))
Of you.
…..psssssssssssssssssssh!
I know, crazy… right?!?
I mean, I’ve been trying to cover this beast up for weeks now.
and, I’ve been self talking that- this is stupid.
but, the more I try to avoid it, the more obvious it is.
and that means two things to me:
I am crazy.
or,
God is obviously trying to communicate with me.
So, in my avoidance… I realized that maybe this is time to do some self-evaluation.
…. If I even think, for like, one second.. That I might be
*whispers*(((( Jealous))))
of you…
then whats going on.
why can I not escape you….
(or, mostly, this unnamed thing)
I meannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…
I love your facebook posts and I love seeing your smiling face. And, it paints my heart bright yellow to see you pursuing Kingdom and doing God’s work and loving on those baby racers and….
door slam, in face.
and, maybe caught my finger in the frame
quick adjustment, kind of thing.
Because although I really am proud and happy and overjoyed for you,
I have a stench of nastiness that ruins the moment.
And, I finally realized… it was something on me.
Definitely, definitely.. not you.
(duh, why would it be…)
so, I’ve had to do a little digging lately.
ok, a lot of digging.
and, here is what I’ve come up with.
Brittany Maynard has ruined my deepest, darkest flesh…
and has brought new light and life to my soul.
Now, you may not know her…
I did not until October 29.
My sister was referencing her and I had no clue what she was talking about or who she even was. I could care less about the news or tabloids or todays “big events”. So, I told her I’d research it and let her know…
and, basically, she was 29, been diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer, and will not live long and treatment would be too harsh and just make living miserable. So, she joined this organization that will give you a plan and medicine to help “die with dignity”. And, the headlines were circling around the controversy of suicide and healing…
A lot of people were saying that she was not letting the miracle of God’s healing power happen… that, she was taking her own life, in her own hands, on her own time.
and, that struck a cord with me
….mostly in a way that I could not prepare for…
and, the enemy quickly saw this as a prime opportunity to throw the Worldrace back up in my face.
“What if YOU had been the one in the spot light and headlines… and the world wanted to know if YOU served a God who could heal me of my vicious third world cocktail disease…
-or-
did I merely choose an easy escape button.”
“YOU went on the worldrace… professing to be able to “heal the sick, raise the dead” and YOU could not even make that happen for yourself!!”
“YOU are a fake”
“YOU WERE and ARE a coward”
“What if YOU just made it all up, what if you really were not sick at all….”
*This is where I {{meekly}} cock my eyebrow up at Satan and say, come on. I had blood coming out of every orfice I had.. I cant fake that.*
and, everytime….He chimes these things to me…. I sink a little deeper.
I feel a little smaller.
I feel more shame.
I unload unmeasurable regret.
I realize my failure in more and more flashing lights and huge red arrows, pointing.
I get more depressed and worthless as he continues:
“What if YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU had prayed HAAAAAAAAAAARDER for healing?!”
“What if Y-O-U made your team pray more for you”
“What if YOU believed more and better in God”
“What if YOU were stronger…”
“What if YOU stayed until healing occurred?”
“What if YOU made it just one more day….”
“What if YOU did not take those pills”
“What if YOU demanded more health care”
“What if YOU died there to prove yourself”
“What if YOU did not leave the Worldrace…..”
“What if YOU did not get on that plane…”
and, I mean… these past two weeks of my life… I’ve just been so drained. I have not been myself… in my work life, school life, personal life or even the privacy of my spiritual life.
Defeated.
Discouraged.
Exhausted.
I’ve been beat down with so many “what ifs” from the devil.
“What if YOU finished the Worldrace”
“What if YOU f-i-n-a-l-l-y got to go to your lifelong dream of Africa.”
“What if it was ME that called you home, instead of God?”
“What if I tricked you into coming back to the States”
“What if I used JUSTIN as a distractor”
“What if YOU made a mistake………………you know you’ll NEVER
EVER
EVER
get to do anything like that for the rest of your life.”
“YOU will never have community like that again.”
“YOU will never find a place that speaks life over you in the States”
“YOU will never even have good friends like that for the rest of your lonely, pathetic life.”
“YOU will not have any friends-period”
“YOU will never go to Africa”
“YOU will never travel again.”
“YOU will never, ever get to go back to Belize, ever.”
“YOU will never have another passport stamp.”
“YOU will never qualify as a “TRUE” worldracer.”
“YOU will always be a failure.”
“YOU will always be chained to a mortgage”
“YOU will always be married.”
“YOU will always be struggling to make life work”
“YOU will always be settling for a career”
“YOU will always be a slave to money, debt and finances”
“YOU will always give your all and absolutely, feel empty”
“YOU will always wonder about freedom”
“YOU will always question your decision to leave the Worldrace”
“YOU will always be the worldracer who ONLY made it to the fourth country.”
“YOU will always, undeniably, have regret about the worldrace…Every. Single. Day.”
“….HOW different would your life be…NOW… if only…”
“If only you had stayed.”
“If only you had finished.”
“If only you felt the sun from Africa”
“If only you had a plate of noodles from Thailand”
“If only you had went to Searchlight.”
“If only you worked for AIM”
“If only that was YOU leading that squad…
….instead of Amanda.”
{{long pause}}
Even now… putting these things on paper…
my heart feels wretched.
I feel only centimeters tall.
So many emotions.
I have no more tears….
its like… I physically… ……can.not.produce.any.more.
I look at this…
and, it’s a deep and dark place.
It is a place that, should remain unspoken, unseen.
It is unsettling… A very real presence…
A tremor.
A fear…
A heaviness lurking right over my shoulders.
…..a coldness.
It is a hesitation to hit the delete button.
Slow. Shallow breaths.
a smallness musters up and says… “Im not supposed to say these things”…
I’m not supposed to reveal this.
I must hit delete and move this to the trash.
I am not supposed to expose.
{{long pause}}
I’ve felt so small these past few weeks.
Ashamed.
Bombarded with “what ifs” and “if onlys” and “how comes”…
questions, I can not answer.
rationales… that I can not justify.
I’ve just exposed my deepest secret.
You know now of my constant wonderings.
and, you would think… nearly 3 years later…
I would be better.
I would have moved on.
I would find joy in other things.
But, honestly…
every.single.day.
I battle with this.
I battle with the voices inside my head.
I battle with my worldrace.
Every single day…
I think about it.
then, I realize I am thinking about it…
I get frustrated and annoyed.
A lot of times, I “punish” myself and say, “Just let it go already!!”
It haunts me.
And, Brittany Maynard…
Honestly, when I say I “researched” her story… I really mean, I read a paragraph and got the gust of it.
But.
after days and days and days of me being dragged into the desperate place…
I realized that maybe… she chose this “die with dignity” not to be her own dictator and creator and time keeper…
but, maybe…
just maybe…
she chose this because this is where God wanted her.
maybe in her struggle of doctors after doctors after doctors…
she got the answer she had been looking for.
maybe the Lord came to her and gave her peace about this decision.
Because although it was nontraditional and controversial…
maybe this was indeed the path God intended for her.
Maybe to some, it looked like an easy escape route.
To just simply, “quit fighting”
to give up.
be a quitter.
But maybe to her, it was the hardest, most demanding, most soul straining, most painful decision she ever had to make.
When I realized this…
it was like a weigh had lifted off my chest.
To the enemy out there who makes me feel like a failure, like I will never be successful at anything in my life ever again…
To the soundtrack in my head that replays that I will always be the one who left Romania…that never got Africa…
To the regret that ties me into a continuous cycle…
To the freakin’ “what ifs……”
Maybe I did not go to Africa.
Maybe I did not finish the worldrace.
*whew, it feels like I just admitted that for the first time since May 10, 2012.*
But, I did have to figure out community and loneliness and depression and isolation and regret all by myself.
I did have failure of a dream, a goal.
I did experience the worst days of my life.
I did practice fumbling in the darkness for a long while.
I did find freedom in simply being able to sneak into the arms of Jesus and snot all over myself.
and, eventually, I found freedom in just being able to accept that I had done that. To break down, break apart.
…It was ok to do that.
{{and, ok to do that frequently}}
I did have harder days in my own home in the States than any of my squad mates ever imagine while digging holes for their own poop and eating ugali, again.
Yes. The struggle…was very, very real.
And, a lot of my struggle came from resisting and refusing God.
A lot came from believing lies from the devil and being brainwashed.
But because of all that…
I am learning life and a very cool, very real relationship with God.
When you wrestle with God, even for a short time.. it changes you. And undoubtedly, sometimes you walk away from the ringer limping and bruised. But its something that sweetens.. curates the relationship.
And, for all the times that “what if you had finished the worldrace”… is thrown up in my face…
I’m learning to rebuttal: then I would not have had the summer of 2012.
for all the “what if you had just simply not gotten sick”…
then I joyfully say… then I would not know the peace of God’s will to be a Nurse.
for all the “what if you were out there now… squad leading in a country you can’t even pronounce”…
then my heart beats purposefully and proudly to say then I would not be here, being led by my husband.
Its almost like, I can feel the cracks of my heart swelling up…
Its been an emotionally draining few weeks… but, I feel like I’m coming out more like a champ… rather than defeated.
Yesterday, I had my first clinical day at the hospital. It was mostly uneventful but, it gave me a joy that has been missing in my life for so long now. I felt proud. I felt like I had a purpose. It reminded me a lot of my kids in Guatemala… it fueled a passion to just love on people and to love them well. I was intentionally being relational. I smiled and meant it.
It was a long day, 11 hours at the hospital with 10 patients and then I still had a 5 hour shift at the pharmacy after that! And although I was beyond exhausted and delirious… when I crawled into bed… it was like God wanted to have a debriefing.
*cue music… donn donn dahhhh*
God helped me see the beauty in all this.
To feel the security of His will for my life.
and to be able to take in a deep breath and know this is exactly where Im supposed to be.
Right in the middle of Gods plan for my life.
No, it’s not always easy.
or peachy.
or glamorous.
or a guarantee of 8 hours of sleep.
But, it is ALWAYS worth it.
And God’s plan for me does NOT look anything like Amanda Fackler’s.
It looks like a lot like being a wife, a homeowner, a full time student, a full time employee.
It looks like figuring out that an NG tube could really mean “suction” or “feeding”… but, not really. But, yes. Sorta.
It looks like a quick grin when my husband walks around the house in *just* his undies. ((yes!))
It looks like having a yard full of leaves/sticks and not getting the “beautification” award. Ever.
It looks like sneaking my pup under the covers with me in the mornings between snooze alarms.
It looks like a lot of days… of just trying to figure out the next step.
But, above all… it looks like its where I am supposed to be.
I don’t have it all together. Its not perfect. It is messy. but……It is me, my life.
So the next time I see one of your pictures of you in front of a ridiculously beautiful backdrop… I hope my heart culture is bursting with proudness and joy and enthusiasm and love. And, I am sorry that I was envious. I’m sorry that instead of praying over you and your squad, I resented your adventure and time with the Lord and felt pity for myself. I am sorry for being jealous and not encouraging to you.
You are so loved and I am just ecstatic that YOUR squad has such a terrific leader in their corner. You are changing this world. You are making a difference in people. I am just speechless in how much you have grown and changed. I am overwhelmed and so, so, so proud of you. Thank you for taking the time to post pictures and blogs. Know that you are being prayed over. You are reflecting God so vibrantly. You are an inspiration to me. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Press hard into the Lord and His plan for YOU. Pray. Dig into the Word.
And, please.
please… press the mute button on the “what if” recordings.
I love you.
Amy
