I will need to renew my passport by 2016.
Now, I realize that to any Worldrace blog stalker (hi there! Welcome back, glad you came!) may have been horrified at some of my recent blogs.
They seems so morbid and depressing.
And, that’s because, that’s where I was in my life and faith.
I was down and I was struggling… real bad.
Even to some of my closest friends and family-those blogs may have come to you as a shock.
But, that was my reality. And one thing I learned from the WR was to quit making excuses and apologizes for where you are in your process! (Thank you Garmon coaches. Wink)
You are there and God knows you are there. Sometimes, its even INTENTIONAL.
You just got to work through it. Hence: process.
Yeah, it sucked and I had no clue how far gone I was…
but, that’s where I was.
Not where I am now.
As you may have noticed, I just started back writing here on my WR page.
I’ve been giving you my life over the past 17-18 months in little chunks.
And, I honesty feel like I have been in rehab and I just got released.
Seriously, being medicated and supervised. The whole shebang…
But now, I am done. That season is gone.
One word you will hear a lot on Worldrace blogs is one of the most beautiful, powerful words ever spoken:
freedom.
That is where I am at right now.
I am experiencing freedom…
and, its better than cookie dough ice cream after a long day.
Way better.
You see… somehow we can entrap ourselves in a big ole mess. And, it can be really hard…feels like impossible to get out. But, that’s why we have God. That is why God sent Jesus. He is our rescue.
He knows we are going to mess up. And sometimes fumble around in the darkness for a while, stubbing every toe… and, He will let us stay there –until we realize we can call out to Him to get us out, to turn on the light switch. He knows this will happen from time to time. We are imperfect beings trying to serve a perfect God. God has allowed hard things in your life so you can show the world that your God is great and that knowing Him brings peace and joy {{and sometimes, He even brings a screwdriver to fix it}}-even when life is hard.
God has taken me through rehab.
He has walked with me and held me.
I feel such freedom because for the first time in a while- I’m breathing just inside the margin of God’s will and it is amazing.
I wont say I’m fully immersed yet (In God’s will), but, I am on my way. I am learning.
I’m learning to accept where I am in my process and honestly, it feels like a “baby Christian” sometimes.
That’s the thing with rehab. You have to learn how to live your life without the crud that put you in there to begin with. So, I’m learning how to live without resentment and shame and disappointments and this unbearable weight of labels.
(When the door closed on my Race-I felt like I had literally lost something, a human, a person… and no one could understand (and what seemed, accept) my grief. It was a hard lost… the biggest of my life. It tops my close grandparents dying. The worst part was, I could not bury it. It lingered and showed up in my facebook newsfeed-all the time. I could not get away from it and to “vent”, I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol, I just turned to extremely unhealthy emotions and attitudes-just a dangerous.)
Anyway-that’s where I am at.
Learning to say no to those overwhelming, dark feelings/thought/emotions.
And, rehab is not a natural skill.
It is something that has to be learned and disciplined in your life.
So, like I said… I’m learning. I think one of my key turning moments… was.. about… hmm. Maybe 3 weeks ago? I went to a new church-never been there, did not know anyone, Justin was working…so just me. Camouflaged in the back. And, the worship band started to play, “How He loves us” (David Crowder Band) and, instantly- I felt my gut wrench. I felt like I could have been a Marvel character (Superman, Hulk, ect) because right then and there, I was transforming-uncontrollably. My spirit just soared without restraints or limits. Without worry of criticism. My spirit, my soul was just worshiping.
And, long story short- that song just hits home, every time. It is such a big staple of my race. From the 3 squads at launch in Florida-right before we all headed out to the airports-just absolutely engulfed by the Holy Spirit- singing this song out at the top of our lungs… and I remember right there in that room- all I felt was reassured, confident that my God loved me and that I was EXACTLY where I needed to be… and, the song just threads all through my race.. so anytime I hear it now.. I just breakdown into a big ole’ pile of snot.
{{its so beautiful}}
Anyway. So, there I am in that church… and, the song plays and its like the first time I’ve ever heard it and I’m snagged by the verse:
“I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way… he loves us.”
This is the signature song of my worldrace!!- why haven’t I applied it before??
I am done with regrets and trying to juggle them all.
And, furthermore, GOD LOVES ME.
and, I know it… knowledgeably and intimately.
He loves me.
Freedom came so beautifully and abruptly for me that day.
and that day, I walked out of rehab.
and that night, I applied to go back out into the mission field…
Stay tuned 🙂
