I am frustrated.
I am confused.
I am stuck.
I am homesick.
I am uncomfortable.
I am being stretched.
I am asked to grow.
I am encouraged to leave it all behind.
I am at the top of a cliff…
And I do not like it.
I am too afraid to let go because my sin and laziness is comfortable.
This life is all that I know.
How could you possibly expect me to let go.
For so long, I have lived a lie, paraded around with my mask and pretended to be the perfect church leader.
So nice and tidy I keep my lies and lives.
I have settled when I have proclaimed to others that there is so much more.
I have built up a tall wall barrier and painted it with the brightest colors I could find.
How can I possibly cut loose my ties…when that is what gives a puppet its life?
A puppet without strings is just a useless, empty, lifeless doll.
You are asking me to make change of this state of currency.
I am declared an artist but I have never mastered the art of losing myself.
Besides, we have created a well worn path of me surrendering time and time again.
How is this any different than the rest of all my empty promises and shallow commitments?
Don’t you know that I only stay on fire for a few weeks then I go back to die?
Have you not grown weary of all my lies and excuses?
Would it help to admit that I have no idea who you truly are?
That all the nice, well rounded and well rehearsed verses are all that I know of you?
What if in fact…my heart only sings to the things that make me feel….alright?
Why are you asking me to breath in your living Word and breath out its execution?
Has our four walled church not taught me that it is normal and acceptable to justify my rebellion and decline self proaction?
Surely, someone else will get it done.
Surely, they are not calling me to step out like that.
My 3 times a week attendance is far more than others and still, you want me to go out and dance?
Why can’t the prayers I hear and the scripture I am taught be enough to satisfy the cult?
Why are you trying to break through that you are a God who is more than just a receiver of my deeds and to-dos?
You are pressing that you are not impressed with my profound words of how I am saved.
That somehow, you are more than just a God of Grace.
Are you not just marveled at my works without faith?
Why do you say that my songs are just noise in your ears?
God, did you not see all those “mission trips” I have done over the years?
Why do you keep asking for my all when I have already given you my most?
Why cant you just be a God I understand.
Why are you calling me to a process instead of an instant destination?
I am so frustrated being pushed to trust you.
I know that I am supposed to long for you and desire you.
A surreal intimacy with you awaits.
Who made up these rules and standards anyway?
But every time I plug in, I get dragged so far away.
That all these songs I hear should impact me and draw me near.
Instead, I have grown such a heart of stone that I can not even pray and I refuse to continue to hit play.
I just utter useless words I have forced for years.
I just grumble and moan before you.
What I know about you is not enough.
How can I possibly go toward you when I do not even know you.
Faith that has been sifted through ritualistic training means nothing to me now.
Application of that faith and what I read in the word is far from my reality.
In the mirror I confess, that I do not even know me.
Why does my pile of sins look so appealing to you.
Why cant you just leave me and my multiple flaws to just be broken.
Why are you perusing after my heart?
Why cant I just be so wounded and damaged that you give up?
Why do you persistently insist on a greater purpose?
Why wont you just let me sink below?
How long will you take my selfishness?
Why did you make this so easy?
I only turn it and make it hard, or even impossible.
Why wont you make us work for it?
I feel like you are asking me to step off a the tallest cliff.
What if I go?
What is going to happen to my life?
Who will I be if I am not the person I’ve been all my life?
What will my identity be in then?
What if I lose everything?
What if I lose everyone?
What if nothing is the same?
What if nothing actually happens at all?
What if I do not have it all together?
What does starting over look like?
What if I start to believe who your word really says you are?
What if I start to believe who your word really says I am?
What if the Holy Spirit and its power is a real, tangible thing?
What if the Lord sees no distinction between me and Peter?
What if the Lords sees me as capable and ready as His power healing disciple?
What if I am acutely aware of the spiritual warfare raging on?
What if everything comes down to this moment?
What if this takes time?
What does radical abandonment look like?
What if there are “what ifs” that I can not even put into words?
What if there were no “what ifs” at all?
These unknowns are the rope tying me down.
The Great I Am says:
Step off the edge.
Leave it all behind.
Let Go.
YOU CAN FLY.
　
　
　After this long struggle with the Lord, I came across this song.Awesome how it really captures what I feel right now. *Jonathan David Helser-Fly*
