Sunday evening right before dinner, I was playing with some of the kids.. One was climbing all over me and I thought she was about to fall. When I reached to catch her, my arm slipped and…
then…………
total devastation hit.
Strapped to my arm was my camera! It hit the ground and got the lens stuck!
I was mortified.
It would not turn on or off.. My team mate ushered the kids to the dinner table as I frantically tried to repair my camera. Soon, I was standing in the room by myself and I busted into tears. I was just horrified. My first thought was…total despair. How could this happen.. on my THIRD day in Guatemala?!?! Seriously?!?!?
I tried sooooo hard not to cry.. But, I could not help it. I felt so angry. (Not at the child) but… I guess, at God. How could he let something like this happen?! How could God do this to me? Had I not suffered enough?! I just had my heart ripped our of my chest when I had to tell Justin goodbye? I felt like I had already given the Lord so much! Momma, Daddy, Jackie, Brother, Kelli, Hunter, Grayden, Sab and the girls…Rachel, Chels, Bent, Randy, Emme…Justin’s family…all my family and friends, all the familiar comforts of home! My bed! Air Conditioning! Diet Dr. Pepper! Even the right to say no to rice and beans back in the States!! God, haven’t I given and sacrifices enough all ready!?
Apparently, not.
I just lost it. I was so devastated. My camera is more than just a camera. It is my passion, my profession, my creativity, my ministry, my communication tool. I wept over the “lost” of my camera. I was so hurt, mad, discouraged, disappointed. How… why God.. Why!! Why!! Why me. Why my camera! Why could you have broken my computer or even my eyeglasses! But my camera?!? My best friend?!? Why…why…why..
In my frustration and grief.. I called up Justin and just poured out to him. How could this happen. Well just as I was talking to him, my team came into the room. I just lost it again. At this point, I am crying so hard. I was just so frustrated! And the fact that not even a hour ago, I had just took some really amazing photos! What was I going to do now?? My team decided to pray over me and yes, even my camera! I realized then that God really does care about the small things, to really bring all things to Him, cast your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) So! We did. We prayed over me and my overwhelming grief and for my camera! Afterwards, I really had to just spend time by myself and process what just happened. SURELY…the Lord had a plan and purpose for this… surely… right?
Right! I realized that… although majority of my comforts were indeed gone, I was still clinging to my camera! It was just about the only thing that was familiar and comfortable. I kept trying to rationalize that it was just a camera. But, as much as I tired, I knew that it really was not just a camera. That is really a big part of who I am. I have not ever gone a day without a camera-ever. I take so many photos a day! My daddy can prove it! (He usually makes fun of me for taking so many pictures)As I processed this, I was so convicted and ashamed of my attitude and behavior. We can make the best and worst out of every situation. How could I possibly be so broken and bent out of shape over my camera… but, not have the same brokenness for these special needs children? Wow. Talk about a punch in the face.
Although my camera is a huge part of my ministry, character and passion, I realized that it is also my dependence. I was so ashamed of my motives and desires. How could I possibly be so upset about an electronic…but not have the same persistent passion for another one’s soul. How could I have such enthusiasm, excitement and love for a camera and not even think twice about this orphan who has absolutely nothing?
I had to have an immediate one on one with the Lord. I felt so bad for feeling this way. How Lord, could I possibly put equipment before you and your people? How selfish…how…insensitive…how naïve I am Lord? The conviction was unbearable. The sacrifices, dreams, goals, comforts, conviences that I have already given up for this Race are pale and dim compared to what my Savior gave up for me. How could I possibly even compare my camera to the life, suffering and death that my Jesus went through for me? At this point, I am just in tears. I heard the song, “Jesus paid it all..all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.” How true it that. Jesus really did pay it all. I owe Him everything. My life, my hobbies, my passions, my fiancée, my comforts and yes, even my camera.
At this point, I was not longer grieving over my camera. I was grieving over this monster that I had become. I felt so ashamed. Now I know what Adam and Eve must have felt like in the garden of Eden once they realized they had sinned.
But, my Lord is a faithful and forgiving God. I know that there are a million lessons to learn from this. Maybe God is trying to get me to be engaged in real life instead of participating through a lens.
Maybe God is trying to teach me about my possessions and how I have more than I deserve-especially more than these kids will ever have.
Maybe God is teaching me to have a heart after His people instead of just great photographs of them.
Maybe God is trying to teach me how to trust other people. (I will have to depend on others for their pictures…do you know how hard that is when I just spent the past five years getting a degree in this?!)
Maybe God is teaching me to depend on Him.
Maybe, just maybe, the Lord wants me to grow in, through, from this.
So… I prayed. I came to the conclusion that I will fast from photography and my camera for 13 days. Which, really seemed impossible since I’ve never gone without a camera. But, this is what I felt like the Lord wanted me to do.
Talk about HARD.
I put my broken camera back and that Sunday night became day one.
Since then, I have felt the most severe frustration of my life. I had committed to doing a food documentary of all the food I eat..but, now, I could not. There are a billion pictures that I wanted to take!! Monday was the first day of school! Daniel did SUCH a great job at the opening ceremonies for the school! He sung the Guatemalan National Anthem! It was sooooo precious! I loved it! Then, all the beautiful things in between! I wanted to document this construction project for my dad. I wanted to take pictures of the different ministries we have been doing, like the health care clinic and the fields, now, incapable. It is extremely frustrating.
But, here I am-Day four. I am slowly learning to be ok with not capturing every single moment…after all, I have like 345 days to capture life.
Since Sunday, I have no touched my camera. I have not tried to see if it works. (I have been PRAYING LIKE CRAZY that God will repair it! You better believe it!) I have not gone into town to see if I can get another one.. (yuck… I hate extra expenses!) I have not researched online how I might can possibly fix it myself. Nope- I am on a fast from photography and my camera-all the way.
So far, the Lord has really been teaching me self discipline and self control in many areas but this by far is the most challenging and hardest. However, I have peace about it all. I know God is working in me during this and I know He is pleased with me.
Saturday, my team will have a day off and we will be traveling to Antigua to visit with another team in our squad. It is intensely stunning! One of my goals/to dos off my bucket list is to photograph an active volcano. Guess who will not be bringing a camera to this once in my lifetime place? You bet cha!
Through God’s strength, I realized that it is more important for me to be obedient to the Lord and to follow through with my commitment to Him…than to check off something off my own personal to do list.
Wow God. Thank you for Grace.
Things you can pray about:
-PRAY that my camera will supernaturally be fixed in Jesus name and glory!
-Pray that I will continue to grow in patience, wisdom and discipline.
-Pray for safe travels Saturday
-Pray for frustrations, anxiety, disappointments and “withdrawals” from my camera.
-Pray that the Lord will provide.
Thank you for reading my story!
With Love,
Amy from the Orphanage
