In my own personal convictions, God has shown me so much about this being the time. During my application and interview process for the Worldrace, my devotions were filled with confirmations that now is the time to serve-no matter what! The next day, the tsunami hit Japan. I remember so vividly the extreme guilt I felt. It felt like I had just lost my lifelong best friend. I was completely grieving and mourning over complete strangers. I was not brokenhearted about the physical damage in Japan-but for the people that lost their lives without coming into a relationship with Christ. I felt so responsible. Not as if I could have prevent or stopped that disaster in anyway, but, that maybe, if somewhere, somehow, along the way, I could have been obedient and shared my testimony or the love of Christ with someone who then would have shared it with someone else and then they shared it with someone else and maybe, just maybe, if I would have been more obedient-one less person would have been set to hell that day. I was completely devastated. I realize that this analogy is far stretched, but, it is not impossible. I began to wonder how many times I have disobeyed God, even if it was with something simple like, give a smile, a hug, a dollar! Then, ashamed, I realized that I was being disobedient right then in that moment. God was calling me and directing me to something greater and to do something I am actually completely passionate about-and I was trying to run away! The worldrace just seemed too big, too expensive and too much out of my control.
That is exactly where God wanted me.
So, I applied, prayed, and waited. This was not easy for me to take in. I had just received a great scholarship toward grad school and started planning for my future and now, all the sudden, God wants me to give up all my hopes and dreams. I struggled and wrestled with the thought of applying- it is an entire year! Embarrassed again by my lack of faith, I surrendered to God-my plans for grad school, my plans for marriage, my plans for career. I came to terms and peace with the fact that I could lose my boyfriend, close friends and relationships. I understood I would miss a lot of family events. Somehow, coming to this place where my ideals and God’s plans did not nicely align was alright. I was ready to surrender over my hopes and dreams for my planned out future. But, just because we give God one thing, does not mean He is satisfied. He is a jealous God and wants your all. Even though I thought I was doing good, I had not quite given my all to God. I constantly thought about fundraising for the trip. God deeply laid it on my heart to get rid of my possessions and take off that label of “material girl”. Being the flesh I am, I compartmentalized and compromised on the things I could sell to raise money. “A little of this, but, not all of it.” or “I will sell this one, but, not that one!” were some of the ideas that came to mind as I picked and mauled over the things that would stay and go. Needless to say, God was not pleased and He has a very clear way of speaking to my heart. The next day, the tornados slammed Alabama. I was disgusted at how blind and selfish I was. My neighbors and closest friends lost everything they had and were now left stranded and homeless. I was mortified. The same feeling of grief and sorrow I experienced from Japan came over me again. How could I have been so foolish? How could I have been so vain and greedy to think and act in such a way? I should be like the first disciples and leave everything and follow Christ but it was not that easy! At what point was I ready to wake and see what was really happening! Why did God have to go to the extremes of using disasters to get my attention? When was I going to put on my “perfect Christian hat” and start living my life as if I was going on a mission trip for a whole year? Somehow, I thought it would be easy to just proclaim, “I am going to selflessly abandon my dreams and possessions and start living perfect-because I am going all across the world for Jesus!” I just wondered, when am I going to be right? When will I be good enough or spiritual enough? How can I fix me? How can I do this, how can I do that, how can I… me, me, me.
Here we are again. God is so desperately trying to revel himself to me and using unmistakable signs and wonders to do so. Yet, I am just as blind, deaf and stubborn as before. When I first started the process of the Worldrace, I never once doubted or questioned how I was to raise that much money in such a short period of time. Never. I had so much faith in God! I knew that if He called me to this, He would provide in a way that brought Him glory! I never doubted. I believed 2 Corinthians 5:7
(For we live by faith, not by sight.) and in Hebrews 11:1 (Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.) However, when I started thinking that I had to be some perfect Christian who had it all together and that I could rely on self, this is where Satan took over. Even though God was real and evident in my life, I began to have a lot of doubt and was distracted by the enemy. “What if I can’t be that perfect Christian? What if I really don’t have it all together?” “Lord, am I really ready?” or “am I good enough to go?” or “what I mess up somehow?” May was a challenging month. I kept going back and forth with these thoughts. I hesitated to send out my support letters and the worldrace process just came to a halt.
I hit my breaking point. I knew what the Lord wanted from me this whole time-my all. This was so hard. I trusted God with my money and a few other things, but I did not trust Him with my time. I did not see “time” as being a real, tangible resource I could give God. I was ignorant that time could be a form of offering and worship. I had gotten so busy with trying to plan and be to perfect, that I missed it completely. I will never be “good enough” -I simply have to try and be willing. I just cried out to God in desperation as a filthy, dirty, fence riding flesh driven Christian. Here I am God. I am so humiliated and humbled before you. I do not have it all together. I have never read all the books of the Bible. Sometimes, I sin just because I know you will forgive me later. I take advantage of the Cross daily. I put on a show so others think I am good while I hide behind this mask. There are days were I go without even praying to you. I do not know everything about you. I completely underestimate the power of prayer and I neglect that sweet time of devotion to you. I starve my spirit constantly. I can curse and praise your name within the same hour. I can play church very well. I run away from you because I fear your disappointment in me. I replace you with so many other idols in my life. I go to your Word after I have went to every person I know and every book I got instead of running to it first. I spend money on ridiculous stuff and lie when the offering plate comes around. I manipulate your answers to fit my own desires. I stay buried under Satan’s yolk: busy. I question your authority. I put my identity in everything but Jesus. I am full blown sinner and a weak sauce Christian! I surrender all. God forgive me! Make me new! If you still want me, here I am Lord. Send me!
This is the beauty of grace and faith. God gives us strength to stand and the strength to surrender. For me, it has taken a lifetime to realize that the word “end” is right in the middle of surrender and what that truly means; to surrender all to Jesus. God will make it very clear and very known what we need to let go of in our lives to be where God wants us to be. He is in control, not us. God had so beautifully designed and planted in me a heart of compassion for the nations. I was in reckless and radical abandonment to self . I am reminded of Philippians 1:21, “for me to live is for Christ and if I die for His sake, I gain. Yet, if I continue to live, it will be fruitful labor!” After a month of struggling and hesitating, I realized that I can not do this by myself, by my good intentions or by my best efforts. However, I serve an awesome and mighty God who can. God has so been so faithful in this entire process. He has been extremely real and evident. God has been so patient with me and my lack of faith. He fails us not. He is the great provider. In 2005 when I was searching and seeking for international mission opportunities, I came across ‘Adventures in Missions’ or, also known as AIM. They had a program called the Worldrace: Eleven countries in eleven months. This was appealing to me but I was not spiritually ready to take on something complex. I had not even been out of the country during that time. Now, here it is 2011. I am about to graduate college and move on to continue serving as God‘s disciple-maker. The Worldrace has been a marble that I have been rolling around in my hand for years now and here it is – finally a reality. But, one of most powerful things I learned while in Belize is a quote from Hudson Taylor, a missionary to China, who said, “God uses men and women who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him.” and another quote that says, “God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the call.” Through all my growth and experiences on and off the mission field throughout the Caribbean and Alabama, I can finally say, “I am not perfect but I am ready Lord! Here I am, send me!”
　
AAMC
