So! Here I sit in Virginia writing this blog and may be elsewhere when you actually read it but for now I’m here. I know it has been forever since I blogged but here I am! It’s funny how I haven’t even left the country and my entire world has been rocked and flipped on its head. See I had this crazy misconception that my life would step out of the broken CRAZY stage it was in my last semester of college and somehow magically shift to a perfect, exciting, adventurous stage where everything went back to the way it had been when life felt a little more normal and enjoyable. Turns out that it was only the beginning of a completely new and unexpected journey that I was about to embark on with the Lord.
I took off the day after graduation and the crazy began. I met up with some of the most amazing girls I have ever met who were apart of the best squad EVER in order to road trip our way down to training camp! We drove from Detroit to Tennessee, Tennessee to Alabama, Alabama to Georgia and were blessed to meet squad members as well as their families! However, during that trip, the Lord began to crack me open and bring some things to the surface, and much would continue to be dragged up as we made our way to training camp. God was preparing me for the work He had planned for me during Training Camp.
Upon arrival, I was excited…and a little intimidated to be honest. Meeting 50 new people is a little intimidating (especially because most of them knew each other and I had switched to this route when my first route got disbanded). Well that changed quickly! I met and fell in love with this beautiful squad family and felt so much love from all of them!
The second day came and after a run we were walking back to our camp site and I slipped. I fell and severely sprained my right ankle and busted my knee. I would start out training camp as a cripple. I went a couple days being driven around; participating in worship and sessions and using the time of rest for my foot to pray for and encourage my teammates the best I could, if only through a smile that said I LOVE YOU!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!! JESUS LOVES YOU!! (I know, probably a lot to expect out of a smile but it’s what my heart was screaming!!) Anyway, the Lord continued to bring up things from my past, that I thought I had dealt with, but in all actuality I had just buried and tried to forget when I took up the responsibility of holding my family together when I was a kid.
The Lord was revealing hurt and anger, brokenness and unforgiveness, but it was like I was seeing it through fogged glasses. I could feel things but didn’t really understand what was happening. More than once in the week, I got to a point of being so overwhelmed about not being able to figure it out that I honestly thought, “this isn’t even worth all this!” Then the Lord brought a little clarity through one very special woman. My one on one coach Ashley, who had been with me every step of the way sat down with me to talk it all out.
I came to realize some very profound truths about myself but mostly that I have never allowed myself to not be ok, and in that, acknowledge that its ok to not be ok all the time; and that in the not ok, there is room to admit things aren’t perfect and give God room to move, reveal, heal and restore. Through prayer and great leadership insight from Holy Spirit, we decided that with the physical, emotional, and spiritual healing that needed to happen that the Lord may be calling me to leave (launch) at a different time. We came to this conclusion: I will now be launching in January of 2016 and more details about this will follow shortly. I just wanted to update all who are praying for me and following me in this journey.
Thank you for all the prayers and support you have already given and thank you for supporting me through this journey of faith. I want to be open about this journey because there is no need for us to be masked from one another in faith. The more open we are, the more freedom we walk in to admit we are not perfect and we all struggle and to remember that we are held under a measure of Grace, not perfection, by the Lord. If He sees us with eyes of grace, I trust we can see each other in that way too.
If you are wondering, the Lord happened to interrupt my flight to Ohio to bring me to Virginia where I have been since I left training camp about half way through. I’m blessed to be here with friends from college. God is faithful and always knows exactly what we need and meets our needs according to His perfect will. I feel like He loves surprising us with blessings and that’s what this time here has been. A blessing. Time to reflect and seek Him; to look inward and ask Him to search my heart and make me new, whole; He has been revealing truth from His word; purifying my heart; the Holy Spirit has been healing, whispering and proclaiming His love over me.
Pray that this next season, before I leave for the race, will be one that transforms my life and walk with Jesus. I’m doing great in the midst of the unknown and trusting the Lord to lead me according to His perfect will. I know when the time comes for me to go share the Gospel with the world, I will be whole in Him, ready to bring the Gospel to the nations and to tell His people of the hope, love, and healing that comes from Christ alone and how they too can become whole. Until then…. Here’s my heart Lord, SPEAK WHAT IS TRUE!!!
