Hello everyone and blog I have been neglecting.
As you may know I’ve been off the race for a while now, 60 days to be exact. It’s been rough to be completely honest. So let me just fill you in…
I did not take coming home well at all. Of course there was culture shock, which was enough to do me in for a while, but along with that I experienced a lot of grief over loss of community as well as not knowing my place or role in everyday life anymore. I became pretty frustrated with God because in a way the race didn’t do exactly what I hoped it would for me. They tell us not to come on the race with any expectations but that’s kind of hard to do when all of us signed up with one expectation or another in mind. Help care for the orphans and widows, feed the hungry, experience God on a new level, see the world and different cultures, serve God and see Him move in new ways. For me I saw the race as an opportunity for all of the above but part of me was desperately trying to discover my passion and calling in life. Going on the race I didn’t know what I was good at, I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, I didn’t even know what I was passionate about. While I definitely enjoyed certain ministries more than others I never felt that “call” I was hoping for. I may be able to say with a little more confidence what I am or am not good at (without placing myself in a box), and I may have a broader understanding of the world and the Kingdom of God, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to “do”.
Coming to the end of the World Race chapter I realized a few things. One was that I have become a beautiful mess that the Lord has only begun to work in, and the other is that I have never been so hungry and desperate for Pappa God in my life.
Now it’s time to turn the page and begin the next chapter.
At something called Project Searchlight last month I had time to viit with my squad and soak in the presence of God. A lot of it was geared towards finding out what our “Kingdom Dreams” are and how to pursue them. All along I thought I would come home from the race and go right back to school and get the degree I had started. I was going to get involved in college ministry and see God do awesome things. Well at Searchlight God informed me I was terribly wrong. That was not what He wanted for me and He had a better idea. “But God, I’m almost finished! This has been my plan all along. It’s the most practical decision.”
Suppose God isn’t practical.
I was pretty positive I heard God clearly but I went ahead and enrolled myself for the fall semester anyways. After weeks of unrest and anxiety I caved and followed God to my current location in Gainesville, Georgia.
With 15 bucks in my pocket and a one way ticket to Atlanta my backpack and I headed south. Now I am taking two weeks to process and just rest and BE with my Daddy. As much as I want direction in life what I need to do is be still and seek God. In doing that, direction will follow.
When I was saying goodbye to my mom at the airport she gently reminded me that I could stay in Erie and get a job and save money. It was only a fleeting moment of doubt and fear, like I was doing something completely irrational or something, well in a way it was, but in turn I reminded her not to worry, if I get hungry He’ll give me manna.
The few weeks between Searchlight and coming back here was a struggle. I know I heard God, but the hard part is always going to be taking the risk necessary, stepping out in faith and trusting Him to take care and provide no matter how crazy or impractical His direction may seem.
