Let me give it a shot…
In a way I kind of feel like a bigger mess now than I was before the race. Except this time I see myself as sort of a beautiful mess. I never really expected the race to “fix” me, however there are things in my life that continue to show up even after I thought I had “dealt” with them. Things like lack of self-confidence, selfishness, depression, fear, and doubt. That junk still shows up here and there and my first reaction is to get mad and wonder why I still struggle with it. But the truth is it’s a process. I have changed, and I have come a LONG way. Of course I’m not perfect and I’m never going to be perfect.
But even though I now have more questions than I have answers,
there is one good and perfect truth that I cling to,
God loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loved me.
To really grasp that truth has rocked my world.
There is nothing that I can do that will ever ever change that. He is and will always be with me.
He will always delight in me.
I know now that the Father only wants me. He just wants to show me His love.
He has continued to reveal Himself to me and show me His love every single day. He has freed me. I have been marked by Heaven forever. I am His daughter. Some days I’m still not so sure what that even means. Some days I regret the things I did or didn’t do the past 11 months. Some days I feel like giving up. None of that matters because Jesus loves me right where I’m at. It doesn’t matter how I’m feeling about myself. I will always be my worst enemy and critic. He loves me because He loves me!
So yes, I do feel a bit messy and confused. How to take this year and continue to grow upon it at home, how to take all that I’ve seen and experienced and truly let it affect me, how to refuse apathy.
This past year, the good times and the bad, was beautiful and purposeful. I am where I am because that’s where Christ has brought me. Everything about this year from teammates to ministry locations and contacts has been strategically planned and thought out by my Father. I have NOTHING TO FEAR.
Those of us who may have absolutely no idea what comes next, know that you are safe and secure in the center of God’s will. Whenever you are wholeheartedly pursuing Him, you are in His will. He loves you. Nothing will change that. The way you feel about yourself doesn’t even matter so let it go and accept LOVE.
The grace that I have given myself and the trust that I have placed in the Lord is what has given me eyes to see myself as a beautiful mess. After all that’s what we all are, beautiful and dearly loved messes. So accept grace and enjoy the journey before you.
For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law,
rather I become righteous through faith in Christ…" Phil. 3:8-9
