So it’s been a while since we’ve updated. We’ve just been doing our school things – Seth with winding down his school year teaching, and me with running around turning in end of the semester stuff for grad school. Busy busy!
Recently (well…the past few months) God has been calling me to be more vulnerable. I have really resisted this, for a lot of reasons. The reasons I actively think are that “I’m shy, and that’s just who I am.” Or, “it’s not appropriate to be vulnerable in this situation, God, they’ll all think I’m just wanting attention.” The reasons I don’t like to think about are… What if they see the underneath and they don’t like it? What if they think I’m selfish…inconsiderate….all the bad things I occasionally think of myself.
I want to step out in faith in this, to trust that God will use my vulnerability to help others, and to grow me. So, here we go!I’m not sure if, deep down, this trip will be paid for. Last week, I let myself get fired up for the first time. I thought “God is going to come through in this!” I had total faith that God would provide. I knew that support would come in over the next week. I knew that my prayers for financial provision would be answered. I checked our support account daily. I didn’t even get nervous as I waited for the page to load each time, I knew it would happen, support would come in.
Only, it didn’t. Not one donation. And instead of continuing in my faith, I’ve despaired. I’ve looked at current racers blogs and thought “That’s won’t be me. I’ll be here, at home, letting go of this dream.” And that despair is why it took me months to have that moment of faith. I knew, once that moment happened, I’m committed, there’s no going back.
I’ve always had contingency plans. If we don’t get the money, we’ll just go in September. We’ll live with my parents for the summer. We’ll get summer jobs. And I was ok with those plans before, because I was holding out on God, I was not fully believing that He would come through on this trip. I thought “As long as I can do training camp, and finish the week in Ireland, then that’s ok, I can come home after that.” But since last week, since I let go of my reservations, I am not content with the thought of coming home, of postponing, of not going…. the thought of not going is heart-wrenching. Heart breaking. It makes me want to cry in the middle of my grant writing class. Or cry out to God, asking why. That seems super overdramatic to me. Which is why I don’t like sharing it.
I want to go on the July world race. I truly believe that God has called me and my husband to the July world race. I know God wants me to rely on Him fully in this. That is where I am failing. I am expecting results in my time. I am expecting immediate, tangible reassurance from God. I am relying on my contingency plans. Basically, I’m relying on me.
I need a spirit of submission. Man, that’s scary, to let go of how you think it should be, of how you want it to be, and completely rely on God’s plan. I’m not saying that today is the day, after today I will never falter again. But I’m taking that first step. I’m telling the world that I’m really scared, that I really doubt. This first step will lead me to where God would have me be. And I fully expect each step to be difficult. But hopefully, it won’t take months for me to continue on to the second step.
