This blog is inspired
by/dedicated to my awesome team – some of the most wonderful,
loyal, and transparent people I know. This year the 6 of you have
helped teach me to love well, serve humbly, and mostly you’ve taught
me that it’s okay to open the door and let people in to see what a
mess my life is 🙂
Growing up I didn’t do too
much to get myself in trouble. I wasn’t a “bad” kid. I never made
less than an A on any report card, I kept my room fairly clean, and I
was [for the most part] pretty respectful.
As I got older the trend
continued. Even into high school I can confidently say that most
people would call me a “good person.” I was super involved in
every possible thing, I tried to be friendly, I never got involved in
drinking/drugs/sex, I enjoyed helping people, loved playing sports,
and I kept up my good grades.
So then I started
college…this is where many people stumble. But not me! Good grades
– check. Serving at church – check. Mentoring younger girls –
check. Still avoiding alcohol/drugs/sex – check. Smiling, having
everything under control, appearing perfect – check, check, and
check.
You may foresee where this
is going…
I do want to give myself
very little credit where very little credit is due: During different
stages of my life I have confided my flaws to certain people,
admitted wrongs, and asked for help. And this year more than ever I
have been honest with my squad about my past and present struggles,
my insecurities, and my many, many mistakes.
BUT the problem I have
come to realize is that many of you back home, many of you who are
reading this blog right now, do not know about all the messes I’ve
made and all the times God has had to intervene and do some major
clean-up work. Many of you only know the “good” parts of my life.
This year has been a lot about me trusting to new depths. So this is
me trusting you [yes, even you people I have never met that are
reading this] with a glimpse into my life that until now has gone
unseen by most. I never intentionally hid any of this from anyone. It
was more that I didn’t know how to bring it up. I was never sure how
to just walk into a room and spill my guts about all the crap in my
life. Here’s your fair warning that this could get pretty personal
so stop reading now if you don’t want to know any details…here
goes…
In high school I appeared
to have it all together and to be a very confident person. Truth is I
was EXTREMELY insecure and I got really good at hiding it. My usual
tricks I enjoyed hiding behind included humor, surrounding myself
with tons of people, and making fun of myself before anyone else
could. I figured if I beat people to the joke then I didn’t have to
endure hearing someone else bring me down. This left me feeling
depressed and alone to the point that on several occasions I
considered ending my life. I felt like no one really knew ME and if
they did they probably wouldn’t like me…so I decided to continue to
fake my confidence.
College brought much of
the same feelings of loneliness. I had transferred from a school of
about 2,000 to a school of about 25,000 and moved to a town about 40
minutes away from all of my high school friends so I felt
disconnected. I began to believe that people only wanted to be
friends with me if it was convenient for them or if they were getting
something from it. Up until this point I had tried several things to
win respect and friends: being funny, being smart, being athletic,
being confident. None of it had worked out long-term so I sought
attention in a new way – from guys. When I was 19 I began dating
several guys that I knew deep down were not good for me. [Note: I was
dating these “several guys” all at the same time although none of
them knew about the others.] This led me down a track of
deceitfulness, lies, lust, and selfishness. And while I was spiraling
downward I was also interning and teaching Sunday School at the
church I had grown up in. I had started to do something I swore I
would never do – live a double life. On Sundays and Wednesdays I
was an upbeat Jesus lover, and on the other days of the week I sank
in guilt as I lived a lifestyle that never showed the face of Christ.
face in the summer of 2007 when I went as a sponsor to a Christian
youth leadership camp [shout out to Super Summer and ’07 Blue 2
TL’s!]. Obviously because of my secrets I was not pumped about
working this camp but, of course, God had a plan. That week the Lord
completely rocked my world and I would never be the same again. The
rest, as they say, is history.
Like I said, it’s not that
I was ever intentionally hiding any of this from anyone. I’m just not
the type of person that offers up a lot of information without being
prompted. I’ll answer any question you ask even if it’s something I’m
not proud of, but I usually need to be prodded a little before I
spill all the beans. And honestly I don’t think there’s anything
wrong with people like that – people who need a little nudge before
they start sharing everything. But this year I’ve been learning about
new and deeper levels of…well of everything, including being
transparent with my life.
Just wanted to make sure I
tore down any misconceptions that I have lived a life with little
fault. So there it is. You didn’t ask for it but you got it – my
life in a very tiny and very summarized nutshell. The good, bad, and ugly. Yes there are TONS more
details I didn’t have room for on this blog, so if you’re interested
in those, shoot me an email 🙂
