Dear God,
I don’t really know how to write this letter to you. I’m not always good at just talking to you conversationally, just opening my mouth and speaking to you of things both general and deeply personal, so sitting to write a more formal letter is rather uncomfortable. But I do think it’s necessary and is good for me.
As you know, I’ve struggled a lot with trusting you. Though I’ve heard it throughout my life, I don’t find it easy to just believe that you’re good and that you love me beyond comprehension. It seems that there has to be a catch. Nothing is that good or that easy.
So I’ve fought you. Oh sure, I know the Bible stories and I’m really good at speaking Christianese. I can use the lingo like the best of them and can sound like a pretty awesome believer. I know the right words and phrases to use and can encourage people to seek you; you certainly love them and only want the best for them, though I’ve never accepted that for myself.
I’ve lived a blessed life and I’ve known that, but on this trip, I’ve come to recognize how blessed I really am. You gave me the unparralled gift of great parents. Not just good people, but a husband and wife who truly love you and each other. I took that for granted for most of my life and am realizing how truly spectacular that gift is. I’ve never experienced the pain of divorce or of any type of abuse or neglect. Quite the opposite in fact. My memory is full of happy relics from my childhood, from family vacations to singing songs, baking for Christmas to playing outside in our sandbox, and any other number of simple and lighthearted circumstances.
You’ve protected me from a great deal. I don’t know what it means to be unloved. I’ve never experienced any kind of abuse, despite the fact that sexual abuse alone impacts at least twenty-five percent of women. I’ve never struggled with eating disorders, self-harm, bad relationships, or strong temptations.
You’ve kept my heart as whole as possible, limiting the number of hurts I might have experienced. For a while, I stupidly held this against you. Surely if I had experienced more hurt and pain, I would have a reason to turn to and to trust you. Truly it’s your fault I’ve never experienced enough pain to desire your healing redemption and peace.
I am a fool.
My heart is whole but I’ve covered it in stone. If no one can get into my heart, it will never experience true pain. Disappointments hit and ting the stone, but it only grows more resilient as a result.
But I see now that this was not your plan for me. You’ve kept my heart whole and pure so that I can love without reserve. I have nothing to hold me back from completely and truly loving you and those you’ve placed in my life. You have protected me from harm not so that I can grow more defensive against any real or imagined attacks, but so that I have a story that shines with your love.
I remember hearing from WR Alum Stephanie at training camp. She spoke of an organization she worked with in Thailand. This ministry would buy young children who were at risk of being sold into trafficking, and would provide them with education and a safe place to live. She spoke of these children being completely unaware of what they had been saved from.
I am one of those children, and I am completely unaware.
Thank you, God, for protecting my heart. Thank you for the multitude of blessings in my life. Thank you for your love. Thank you for keeping my heart whole, and for having the patience with me. And thank you for continuing to nudge my heart closer to you.
Love,
Kelsey
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and to be careful to keep my laws.”
Ezekiel 36:26-27
