God’s been doing a number on my heart the past few weeks. Or maybe it’s Satan. While I’m sure this blog is meant to be a great story of our journey into and during World Race, and should be uplifting and encouraging to all, I’m going to be very blunt. If you really want to know what this looks like, really want to know how we’re feeling and what we’re experiencing, you’re going to get the nitty gritty and ugly along with the warm fuzzies.
I’m afraid this blog is primarily of the former kind.
Lately I’ve been ignoring God. I don’t like Him. I don’t like what He’s asking, what He’s telling us to do, and I don’t like that He’s convicting me of everything. Not liking God makes me grouchy. I allow myself to think that He’s ruining everything when deep down, if I’ll admit it to myself, I know my attitude is destroying my anticipation of what could be a life changing trip.
Well, I do get grouchy. I begin to lose hope in my future and my present. I become irritable with my patient husband and I try his fortitude. I lose the ability to get a good night’s rest. I become very self-centered and self-indulgent, believing myself to be entitled to whatever I desire simply because I’m perpetually having a bad day. This is all a magnificent, endless cycle of self-induced misery. I find myself having a terrible attitude about anything and everything. Now I’m sure this seems a bit extreme.
I mean really. Not liking God causes you to lose sleep?!
But it’s true. When I intentionally turn my back on God and start believing that things are better without Him, everything else falls apart.
This is also when I’m most vulnerable to the Enemy.
To say Dave and I have not been seeing eye to eye would be putting it nicely. We have very different perspectives on a few key issues that cause a bit of disruption in the even flow of our relationship. When I’m in the negative mindset that I am, and when we’re refusing to put God at the center of our marriage, it begins to crumble. Now don’t worry, our marriage is not on the brink of disaster. But I truly believe that shoving God out of our relationship, and ignoring our personal relationship with Him, could lead to that. Being irritable also doesn’t seem to do well in growing relationships with those surrounding me. For some odd reason, people don’t seem to find delight in being around a draining and negative person. And for another very peculiar reason, I don’t seem to derive joy in being around them either. Disliking God also alters my priorities. Wise decisions that were made become unimportant, while the trivial becomes essential.
God had the compassion to send along a friend to me tonight who is ok with me being grouchy. She’s ok with me venting and she’s ok with me being ugly and horrible in my honesty. She understands that I’m (to quote her), “showing God my middle finger.” And yet in all of that, she was encouraging. She reminded me that God knows, understands, cares, and continues to love me. He loves my back even when it’s turned in anger. He loves the creases in my forehead when I’m frowning. And most of all, He loves the top of my head when I’m bowing before Him in repentance.
So now, here I am. It’s late at night, I’m tired, and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. But I’m at peace, if only for the moment.
I’m thankful God doesn’t give up on me, even when I give up on myself. I’m thankful for the Spirit who nudges me in the right direction. I’m thankful for friends who show Jesus in their lives and in their conversation. I’m thankful that God is showing me grace and provides forgiveness to a stubborn, selfish creature. And I’m thankful that His arms are ALWAYS open!
Psalm 62:1a
