A helpless anxiousness overcame me this morning that I did not expect. It came over me as I complained to the Lord about Marvin. I wrote down my prayer and copied it here. If you have any insight, please do share.
Lord, I don’t know why you do the things you do. I don’t know why you allow an 8 year-old boy to die, even after a prayer offered in faith. Was it not enough faith? Am I not right with you? What more must I do to bring your healing power to a suffering 8 year-old?
He spazzed on his bed. Oh my God! His mother had to hold his tongue down to keep him from swallowing it. His body was bloated. His brain was damaged. I saw the suffering and I called out to you for healing. I witnessed the pain and tears of his parents. His father’s face trembled with the fear of losing his son and you let it happen.
I trust you God. I know that you are just. I believe that your heart aches worse than mine. I have to. I cannot go on without it.
But I cannot help thinking about tomorrow’s Marvin. My spirit is anxious and scared. I have to be able to do something more. I have to! What can I do for tomorrow’s Marvin, or next week’s, or whenever? I am not ready for him yet I feel him coming toward me faster than I can bear.
All I ask is that you use me, dear God, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. I thank you for this broken heart. How can I ever go back?
