John Doe – “Ive probably done more drugs in a year than most people have and will in their whole life. It’s what I’ve always done to run away from uncomfortableness. All my life people have told me that I’m not worth anything at all. I believe it, and cope with that “truth” by blowing coke, taking a hit of acid, xanax, or smoking hash. At least this makes me feel good and a lot of the time when I’m high I think about God and pray even more.”
“I read God’s Word on a regular basis but no matter how many times I read, these “truths” never become reality for me. I write poetry that has been “prophetic”, and spoke those things out of my own mouth, but it’s mainly me trying to convince myself that it’s all true. I’m in community but they all say the same things and I’m tired of hearing it. It’s almost like I know what you’re gonna say before you say it. I’m at a point where I don’t even want you guys to say anything back but I just needed to tell you these things that I have been holding on to.”
“If I’m honest with you guys, I’m exhausted. I’m tired and I don’t feel like fighting anymore. I know what I “should” do but I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m done!”
You ever wonder why you have to wait until darkness falls for you to see something as beautiful as the stars?
I do.
You ever pray for peace? Right away you experience something as hard as.. I don’t know, war until you actually experience it?
Ever pray for strength and right away you experience pain?
These things sometimes make you question if God is really there. If he is, does he love me, does he really want the things that he says he wants for me? If so why am I going through what I am?
Today I got the privilege to fight for a warrior that was so tired of fighting. He was also being attacked by the enemy in so many ways and was allowing it because of exhaustion. As he started to surrender and actually speak out his weakness and his need for the Lord and community I could see him go from disbelief to belief. I heard his language change from “I really don’t want to hear this, I know what to do but I don’t want to” to “God help me. I’m weak and tired and I really need you. God help me please”
The beauty in your darkness is that no matter what you do or even who people tell you that you are. Your creator says otherwise.
Freedom is choice my brother, it’s there and free. Take it and run with it!
A piece of John Doe’s poetry:
“If God pulled back the curtain on your most shameful hour what do you think He’s say?
I’m talking trudging through the mud with a needle in your arm, sin slaving away
While you’re lying in bed with a stranger full of liquor after you’ve downed a 12 pack of brew
After you’ve cursed Him your whole life, His words are a resounding Son, I Love You
Waking up with men on your right and women on your left, my Jesus still loves you
With tracks in your arms and pills in your gut, my Jesus still loves you
Alcohol on your breath and body burning from std’s, my Jesus, He loves you
With blood still on your hands, my God understands because He made Himself human
He took the punishment for your sin on Himself so His love could be proven
Naked and spit upon the whips ripped through His back,
The Son of God nailed to the cross for your sins future, present and past
He’s Almighty God in the flesh, Alpha and Omega, He’s First and He’s Last”
John was freaking out because He felt like God had left him out to dry. He couldn’t hear God’s voice in the time when he needed it most. However, God had already given him the answers he needed in his own spoken word pieces. It was just up to him to remember what God had already spoken to him. If a brother wouldn’t have brought his own words to him in his time of need, freedom would have seemed a lot farther away than it actually was.
1. I think there are two major lessons in this that I would like to point out.
If we think God is far away and not speaking to us in a certain moment, look back and see what He has already said, He probably prepared you for this moment already.
2. We need community around us. No matter how “strong” our faith is, sometimes we have doubts, sometimes we fall, and we need others around us to pick us up. Or in this case, to fight for us when we are too weak and broken to do anything for ourselves.
Do you have a strong community around you that will pick you up when you’re tired of fighting?
Are you that community to someone else?
