About once a month or so, I’ve wanted to write a post about where I am with my relationship with all things God, religion, or church related. It’s been such a sweet time of reflection and I’m thankful for you guys reading through that monthly post. You can read the previous ones if you’ve missed any in that series (My Rescue, Savior, Church, and Redeemer). I call it a series, but they’re really sporadic and really only related because of the idea.
Moving on, the one thing that has been heavy on my heart and easy to realize over this last month is that things aren’t EVER easy. Often we wait for the perfect “God plan” to happen in which the yellow brick road illuminates and we walk into our future as easy as parking a car in an empty parking lot with no lines. The problem is this word: Tension. It’s everywhere and it comes up in the worst of places. It even pops it’s head up in the areas of complete certainty. Let me explain…
I know I’m supposed to return to the Philippines to help a friend of mine start her dream. However, I’m in a city now where I know a handful of people at best and have to raise financial support. Also, even though it will be my third trip out there, I don’t really know my place. Tension. Next, my heart is burdened for helping people live out their dreams and inspire them to live differently, but who do I focus on? How do I know how to help? How do I even help with this burden I have? Tension. Let’s try another one a little more personal. I’m dating a girl that I’m crazy about, but she’s out living completely abandoned and on a journey around the world with Jesus, and I’m not supposed to be there. The communication we do have is incredible yet limited, so where’s the balance of pursuit and support? Tension. I say all this without even mentioning the day to day craziness that surrounds every decision and second guess. Throw temptation into all of that, and I’m living one big life of… Tension.
This may sound a little crazy, but I think I’ve found the source. It’s my relationship with Jesus. Before I became a Christian, I did what I wanted when I wanted, and didn’t really feel that bad about doing something I shouldn’t or not doing something I should. Consequences may have been on the radar, but I’m a fairly stress-free type person, so I just didn’t think about that. On top of that at a gut level, I wasn’t really living for anyone else, so I made my own decisions.
I’m going to say something pretty abnormal, but hear me out. I feel like all of these tensions would be obliterated if I just abandoned this Christianity thing. All over the world we’re getting a bad name anyway and the last thing I want is to be lumped in with some group of people I don’t even like or agree with. Honestly, protesting at the funeral of a dead, gay soldier? It’s an uphill battle that just breaks my heart. Are my headaches or restless nights really worth it? Can I even change one person’s mind about true Christianity? Is my future even worth sacrificing for something that may never change? Most “Christians” stay silent and locked away in church anyway, is it even worth it to stand out?
Every time I ask these questions, everything in me shouts NO! Just run. But when the emotions fade, something that’s not of me whispers no matter how long I try to silence it…
Are you done?
I mean really. Are you done? Because there’s a God in heaven that knows you, cares about you, and loves you enough to put up with your whining and pity parties. He’ll also keep using you despite your doubts or discouragement, so if you’re done, there’s work to do.
I have to be honest. It’s ridiculously hard to look a “sure thing” type future in the face and walk away from it. It’s more than difficult to explain to someone that I’m not working currently, but I’m actually trying to raise money to pay my personal expenses. It’s crazy challenging to be patient and support a girl that you just want to sit beside while she travels the world. It’s impossible at times to make a decision without second guessing. That’s tension at it’s finest and it’s all over my life. But you know what?
When everything else silences, I take a deep breath, and remind myself that I’m a vapor and this whole shindig was never about me to begin with. Then, I remind myself of the promises God has kept in my life, and while the tension never melts away, I’m reminded of who I am. Nothing else seems to carry that much weight.
You know, when I think about it, I’m thankful for the tension. The last place I want to be is in a place of numbness or apathy or even worse for me, complacency. I’m not OK with just sitting and waiting for the stars to align and the heavens to open despite how much tension comes in the unknown. I have short time and need to get after it.
To use modern terms, tension blows. It’s scary and even paralyzing. However, “for you have not been given a spirit of fear or timidity, but one of power, of love, and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). So live in the face tension, but never in fear…
