Many times
throughout this race I’ve wondered to myself if this was anywhere near real
life. I mean, who travels to a new
country every 3 weeks and spends every waking moment in complete community, all
the while spreading the love of Jesus to a lost and dying world? When I sit and think about the
direction my life was headed, I can’t help but praise God that He pulled me out
of something I thought was my dream, to take me clear across the world to show
me His. I have to remind myself
often of this fact because some days out here are more like a nightmare.
For those of you
that haven’t heard, two of my teammates came down with malaria while our squad
was in Malawi. It happened the
night before we were leaving to go back to Mozambique, so there was no way they
could travel. I knew I needed to
be the one that should stay back but with Tiffany being the other squad leader,
and Cori being a team leader, I felt a since of responsibility, maybe a better
word is pressure, to go on with the squad. However, some of my squad heard the same thing I did, so I
was told I needed to be the one to stay.
Praise God…
Being a somewhat
introverted person, I was selfishly a little excited to hang back. Now that I’m on day four, my thoughts
are changing a little. With the
girls sleeping 15-20 hours a day most days, my alone time has jumped
drastically which is in absolute contrast to the complete community I’m used
to. The big problem with this is
that instead of being able to fill my days with assigned ministry or
conversations, I’m forced to focus on myself in between town runs (alone) and
pill times (hooray for groggy company).
I say this because I’m the type of person that very rarely has any
problems to address or anything that I really need to talk about. It’s not because my life is so good, it’s
because I’m really good at running just fast enough to not realize all that I’m
towing behind me.
The last few days
have helped me to realize a few things.
First, I’m exhausted. It’s
not just the constant travel (I actually kind of enjoy that…), the sleepless
nights, the squad decisions, the complete change of lifestyle, or the steady
outpouring of ministry; it’s all of those things and more. Honestly, there are many days that I’m
out here doing “God’s work” but I very rarely ask Him what He wants me to
do. How many times in my life have
I been guilty of chasing so many good things when the entire time God is
calling me to just rest in Him? I’m
so tired of all this pressure I put on myself.
Another issue
that is coming up may seem contradictory to the first but sometimes Satan likes
to cover all areas when he attacks.
I’m becoming very complacent.
I’m fine with being exhausted but not really going anywhere. I’m fine with essentially clocking in
and out of ministry until my time is up in April. I’m fine with being one of the least liked people on the
squad because of the crappy decisions I have to make and how many people I have
to send home. But I’m not really
fine with any of that. I don’t
want to accept that this is the way things have to work. I refuse to accept that my identity is
anything less than an image bearer and son of the God that gave me this life.
So yea, I’m still
exhausted and wrestling through a ton of things that are too heavy for me, but
every one of Satan’s attacks can be used for God’s glory and I choose to stand
on that foundation. After all, “He
must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30) I guess there are two parts to the verse…
