To start off, training
camp has taken me completely off guard.
Honestly, I expected the physical challenges of 7 AM workouts and team
building exercises, but the biggest focus so far has been dealing with issues
and the dark places of our hearts.
There are many things that will never be fully understood without you
here and going through it, but I had no clue the things I was hiding in my
heart. I feel freedom and release
from those things, and I want to share the two biggest areas I’ve confronted
and am done with.
Control:
I have been
battling this for quite some time now and every time I think I relinquish
control over MY plans and MY goals I’m reminded of one more thing that I’m
holding on to tightly. This time
around it’s the fact that I take too much pride in my ability to win over a
group. I never really allow God to
place or call me into leadership, I just tend to play to people and do whatever
to win their affection. Yet again,
I show up to training and run myself ragged playing to the entire squad’s
heartstrings, and regretfully gain their trust for all the wrong reasons.
Luckily, one
person saw straight through me and spent a whole conversation shooting down
everything I offered up and made me own up to the identity God created in me
and not this “skill” that I have put so much pride in. The control is gone and I finally feel
I can stand tall instead of creeping through a crowd, trying to “earn” their
trust. Thanks Jimmy for not being
the “good cop”.
Strength:
This one was a
little interesting because it was totally unexpected. For what may have been the billionth time this year, I was
lead to read through the armor of God in Ephesians 6 (I actually taught on this
passage the week before I left) and decided to walk through each individual
piece. This was such a sweet time
as I prayed through each piece, but when I reached the end and tried to pick up
my sword, it didn’t feel powerful.
As I closed my eyes and looked where my sword should have been,
all I saw was a clean, decorated butter knife.
What took 24
hours to figure out was the fact that it wasn’t about the lack of power in the
weapon I had been given; it was that I had the wrong weapon. I use my people skills and my physical
strength rather than anything that has any real power. The only goal I will be successful at
achieving there is an emotional response to a temporary experience. Therefore, rather than abuse the gifts
I have been given, I choose to pick up THE real sword that has THE power to
send a real death blow to the deception surrounding myself and those around me.
