“Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani,” –Jesus spoke those words before he died on the cross. In that moment, the weight of sin on him, He cried out in vulnerability desperate for the intimacy of His father.
A friend highlighted this verse for me as she encouraged me with the following words, “vulnerability is not linked to weakness, but shows incredible humility.” She said this to me after I had battled Satan’s voice for a couple of days in Latvia. It was a battlefield of the mind that left my body weak, and my tears flowing. I could feel the enemy attacking me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
This was my second month as a team leader, and Satan was whispering that I was a failure, I had nothing to give to my team, and my vulnerability showed my weakness. Sometimes the enemy creeps in and tells us that we’re alone. How many times have we heard that lie in our head? Satan convinces that nobody understands. His words mirror Grima Wormtoungue in the Lord of the Rings who repeats the same sentiment to the fair Eown.
Wormtoungue: “Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild in?”
Satan wants you isolated in your emotions, quiet and unwilling to be vulnerable. And I must admit, I listened to that voice in Latvia for too long. Then one morning as I lay in bed physically exhausted, I decided to let go of pride and amidst my tears, asked my teammate for a glass of water.
I needed more than water, but that was all I could muster. I laid there, unable to speak, and just needing to sleep and for God to work. I remember thinking that I needed prayer, but I didn’t have the energy to ask. Then, when I was sleeping, I felt what I can only describe as chills all over my back. In that instant, even though I couldn’t see anyone and was half asleep, I knew someone was praying for me. I opened my eyes for a moment only to see my teammate, Kendall, slip out of the room. Later, she told that she sensed Holy Spirit telling her to come pray for me (God is awesome). I physically felt her prayer before I even heard it.
I knew I was fighting for something. I didn’t know what, but I knew I needed to continue prayerfully endure to the other side. Satan wanted me to give in. He was attacking me with extreme migraine symptoms, even though I knew God healed me of migraines years ago. When the enemy would attack me with sickness, I would vomit and then sit next to the toilet and declare that I was healed. I wasn’t giving in to his tricks. After Wormtoungue speaks to Eowyn, she looks at him and says, “YOUR WORDS ARE POISON,” and walks away.
We spend too much time listen to Satan’s voice, instead of understanding that his words are poison and rejecting them. I knew I wasn’t a failure. I knew that I had leaned on Holy Spirit for His wisdom in team leading, and I needed to declare God’s words about me. The next day, I woke up well, refreshed, and fully alive.
A few days later, I was asked to step up to be a Squad leader. And I fully understood why the enemy was whispering lies to me.
Anyways, I’m trying to ask for your prayers but I’m just taking the scenic route (name that reference :-)).
My team currently consists of the other raised up squad leader, Jessica, and our alumni squad leaders, Emily and Stephanie. We’ve been staying in Lviv for the past few days while Emily and Stephanie train us before they leave our squad at the end of this month.
So what does squad leading mean, and how is it different from my past team leader role? As a team leader, I was leading one team of 6-8 people. As Squad Leaders, Jess and I will be leading all of the different teams, planning monthly ministries, team changes, discipleship and leadership training, and ensuring the entire squad remains mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy. Jess and I will be traveling to different teams, and will spend one month with each different team observing, leading, and guiding where needed.
The World Race focuses not only on missions but also on discipleship. The squad leaders’ focus is the people we’re living with every day. My first focus will be on the squad and then to the hosts we’re serving. I will be with teams mainly to check on team members and the health and growth of the team.
This will be a huge shift.
It will mean a greater responsibility, more work, dying even greater to myself, and clinging to Jesus as I learn to love the people on my squad well and make lasting connections and influence. There are many situations to come that will require wisdom from heaven, a love for people, understanding, insight, compassion, strength, and perseverance.
When I was in Indonesia, my first month as a team leader, Holy Spirit kept showing me this image of me bowing low. I sensed Him pushing me lower and lower, not to demean me, but to refine humility and teach me continually to die so Jesus can be fully glorified.
What I know is this? Leadership is not being first. Leadership is waking up every day and saying, “I’m last.” Leadership is serving. Leadership is empowering others.
Honestly, I’m nervous about this new season, and I said yes to it out of obedience rather than desire. It will be difficult, challenging, but I know it will be rewarding and God is growing me.
So, please pray for me and Jessica as we approach this next season with humility and grace. We need your prayers and support. Feel free to mention to Jesus all aspects highlighted above when you pray. Thank you so much for all of your prayers already. I know they carry me every day. This journey has taught me so much about the importance and power of prayer. So, keep em’ comin!
Much love,
Vicky
