Holy Spirit spoke those words one morning as I was rolling my sleeping pad in my tent. I spent the last seven days at training camp feeling hesitant. I cannot fully explain the language of the soul, but it was as if my chest was locked. Breathing was hard, and no matter how many songs I sang, I could feel this invasion in my heart. It sounds strange, I know, but like I said, my vocabulary is not sufficient for my soul.
I spent the week tenting in the woods, using the bathroom outside, sharing supplies with squad mates, cooking for my squad, seeking Holy Spirit, and learning about God’s Kingdom. The first night tenting was uncomfortable, and the second night, the cold was unbearable. The second night, I sat in my tent watching my squad mate sleep while I struggled to even nap. I had taken two sleeping pills and nothing. Not even a wink. In addition, my feet were frozen because I had shared my sleeping bag, and was only using my sleeping liner. There was nothing left but to lay there and stare at the ceiling of my tent.
What was I doing here? God sent me here.
Then why did I feel this block in my chest? I didn’t know.
Three days later, I found myself sitting in a circle with 18 girls discussing shame. After a lesson, our squad leader, Emily Rae, challenged us to share in groups what the devil has used to bring us shame. I knew God wanted me to be authentic, to be honest, and to be free. I refused. Now, reader, I don’t usually say no to God, but I said “No.” This was the conversation between me and Holy Spirit.
“Vicky…”, Holy Spirit said. (I already knew what He was asking.)
“No. I’m not doing it. I barely know any of these girls. I just met them! I’m not sharing my soul and struggles! I don’t even know them. Didn’t you teach me to be a good steward with my heart?!” I said. (My heart is beating at this point, because I’m nervous, and my Spirit obviously is not aligning with my disobedience)
“Bring it to light.” Holy Spirit said.
“No. You can’t make me.” I said. (I know, I sound ridiculous).
A second later, because God is gracious even in my disobedience, He confirmed through my other squad leader, Stephanie, that I needed to share. I said yes, with my hands shaking. I joined my group, and as my two squad sisters shared their struggles, I slowly began to feel the peace of Jesus in my heart. When it was my turn, I knew in that moment, I had a choice—to begin this race authentically or to delay the process. I chose the former, only to realize I wasn’t alone.
God is faithful. Sometimes we say that God wouldn’t ask you to do something He hasn’t prepared you to do, but I think many times He asks us to do things we’re not prepared to do. When I trust Him in what I cannot do on my own, I have to know and believe He works in me and through me. His grace is sufficient.
That night all the girls sat in a circle in our sleeping bags, and shared our struggles, sins, and insecurities. When I was tempted to hide again, I knew that I already said yes to Holy Spirit and I would say yes again.
So, back to the lock on my chest. I believe the night with the girls was the beginning of a journey Jesus is asking me to walk with Him. This journey is about living authentically, and truly being alive to how He created me to live. In this journey, there is less me, more Jesus, and more of His Kingdom.
Two nights after that circle, I sat with one of our training leaders weeping and regaining my heart. I was sobbing my way back to desire, and admitting that I had stopped trusting the Lord in certain areas of my life. During the conversation, I realized that I was guarding myself because of fear. And as our teacher, Mama K, listened to me praying myself back to trust, I felt my chest opening. I could breathe. I could breathe again.
I had the best sleep of the whole trip that night. When I woke up that morning, and began rolling my sleeping bag, I heard the voice of the accuser. He was accusing me of my past, accusing me of falling short, accusing me with God’s Word. And I started to listen, I started to measure myself up to what I should be, regretting my mistakes, and at the same time, feeling pride because of the sins I haven’t committed. Puffing my chest in pride because of how well I’ve performed in certain spiritual areas of my life. That’s when I heard that still small voice after the wind….
“It’s not even about the sins. I’m after your heart.”
Jesus said in Matthew 5:21, “You’re familiar with the command to the ancients, ‘Do not murder.’ I’m telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder.”
Sometimes, we get preoccupied with what we’ve done or haven’t done, but what Jesus was saying is that He’s after our heart. He is after our motives. If our hearts and motives are pure, our actions are pure.
He’s after your heart.
One final thing…
I’m continuing to raise funds for the race. Sponsoring a box below would raise the additional funds. Thank you so much. I always say that, but it’s because I mean it. I wouldn’t be here without your prayers and support. Thank you again. I’m also looking for maybe 10 people who will partner with as prayer warriors. Just a few people who would make it a priority to pray for me, my team, my squad, and our families as we walk this journey. Let me know if you would like to do that. You can email me at [email protected]. Love you all!
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