“Am I enough?” I distinctly heard the Holy Spirit ask me that question while sitting at a service. Honestly, I went to the service hoping to run into someone. I’m embarrassed to even write this. But, it’s the truth. I was suffering from the remnants of a broken heart, and felt so particularly yoked to this person. And I knew it, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I knew why I was there, and I was sitting there in full denial. Of course, the person didn’t attend, and I remember being so disappointed. However, I told myself to “pull it together” and scolded myself for even assuming anything and I couldn’t believe I had come for a person. I couldn’t believe I was “that girl!” I was better than that. I am better than that. Maybe you’re wiser than me, but at times, one of the most difficult tasks is to rationalize something to a heart that hurts. The head and heart can’t agree when the heart isn’t whole.
That’s when I heard that still small voice in the wind.
“Am I enough?” Holy Spirit asked.
I paused. Was He enough? I knew what He was asking me. When Holy Spirit asks you a question, it is never a one dimensional question that lays on the surface. No, with three words, He pierced through joint and marrow, thoughts and desires, and I was sitting there, naked and exposed.
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, you are enough.”
I said it with tears blurring my vision. My answer was certainly one dimensional. I didn’t say yes because it felt good. I said yes because I knew that it was the truth in the depth of my heart. At that moment, Holy Spirit didn’t “feel” enough, but I knew and still know, He is enough. The pain didn’t suddenly disappear in that moment, but I spoke knowing that my soul needed a reminder of that truth.
Jesus is enough.
Like He can only do, Holy Spirit began to reveal to me in the next few moments about how I’ve been holding on to my “rights.” The right to a relationship, the right to marriage, the right to comfortability, the right to defend myself, and the list goes on… Don’t misunderstand me, God gives us great gifts, but they are gifts. And He gives them in His timing, and it’s always the best timing.
Although Holy Spirit asked me the question then, deep down, I knew He was asking that question for an upcoming moment, but I didn’t know what it entailed. Later, The World Race would come, and it all came back to me. I understood why He wanted me to stop clinging on to my plans. I would need to say “yes” to The World Race, and I couldn’t say that with a heart that was still clinging on to a mirage.
I needed to be reminded that Christ was my only solid foundation. In Luke 9:62, Jesus said, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service to the Kingdom.”
Matthew Henry’s commentary expounds, “If we mean to follow Christ, we must lay aside the thoughts of great things in the world. Let us not try to join the profession of Christianity, with seeking after worldly advantages.”
I don’t want to be one who looks back. No matter the cost. The journey may be uncomfortable. I may behave like a child at times, and I may prove to be faithless. But praise God that I am confident that He who began a good work in me will continue to perfect it until the return of Christ Jesus—Phil. 1:6.
One last thing….
In honor of #GivingTuesday, I’m asking you to pray about whether you should partner with me in this World Race journey. This is always the hard part for me—asking for funds, but I trust God is with me and He will provide through your generosity.
I have an upcoming deadline of $10,000 on Dec.18th. Thank you to all of those who have contributed to help me reach $5,000. Whether it’s a gift of $5, $25, $500, or $1000, I appreciate it and know you are sowing into good ground. Thank you for walking with me, and praying for me friends.
