First, English is not my native language so please forgive any mistakes or non-sense, as they probably are abundant in this text.
I am writing to express how I feel when I tell people about how I am going to be part of the awesome journey that is the world race next year. I am so excited and I want to share this excitement with everyone, some people are 100 % with me but once in a while I get the judgment look, wide open eyes that are screaming : your almost 25 why don’t you work for a living instead of asking for money in order to travel the world!? Grow up!
Sometimes I get the feeling that society is telling me: find a good stable job, a good husband, don’t forget marriage, make him happy, don’t be the man of the relashionship. Be cute but modest, buy a house, buy a car, load up your credit cards to own more and impress people you don’t actually care about. Have children but stay fit, follow a diet (maybe one that would work this time) and exercise. Cardio is the key.
comments are not usualy as staight forward but the message is underlying, during those moments something happens to me and I just feel like doing the absolute opposite. Ex: like wearing booty shorts, eating cheeseburgers, drinking beer on my poarch and even fart in public. That really just shows my own insecurities.
Well as an excuse for not meeting society’s expectations I’ll say this: I hate exercising and I love like absolutely love pasta so I guess that belly bulge is not going away anytime soon. As for relashionships, I have always seen myself as a ninja more than a princess. I have always dreamed of killing the dragon, not being rescued by prince charming, and you probably can tell so by taking a look at my past failed relashionships. To this day the most gratifying relashionship I’ve had is with the cat I owned but had to give to my mother because I decided to move to the USA on a headbutt.
I don’t even own a driver’s license…or either a bike actualy. My most prized possession is my laptop and the corners are missing cause I dropped it a few times. I thought about writing a Will before leaving for the World Race but my legacy is slim. ( I bequeath my collection of fancy panties to my sister) because with overeating I also overbuy panties. And to my mother I bequeath my cat Mammoth, which she already actually technically owns. As for stable jobs, routine is just not something I thrive in, brushing my teeth every morning is as much of a routine as I can take. Where people see comfort and security I see an unbearable monotony, where others seek stability and foreverness I seek moments and inspiration. I think I must suffer from a severe case of ADHD, but my psychiatrist says that I don’t. I just want to free myself from the authority of social standards and just, wander? Is that feasible ?
Truth be told normality is fiction, some will shove down anti-depressors, brain-stimulants, relaxants, sliming or sleeping pills, Ritalin, will not eat, over-exercise to meet the normalcy’s vague but oppressing criteria. Fitting inside the margins of normalcy requires rigorous self-control in a society obsessed with a hardly achievable standard of productivity.
When looking back on my new year’s goal list I see pretty clearly that not only was I conccerned with society’s expectations but that I asked a lot of myself. Instead of blindly following His lead, I fought so much to control every aspects of my life, obviously I failed.
1. Be a vegetarian, because you are against animal cruelty,
2.buy organic food, even at exorbitant prices, because the average food is genetically modified.
3. Buy only fair trade products because you are against exploitation.
4. Be environmentally conscious, recycle, compost, do not buy products that aren’t environmentally friendly.
5. Showers no longer than 5 minutes.
6. Only shampoo your hair with baking soda because shampoo is full of chemicals
7. Give generously to people in need/volunteer.
8.Be more patient with your father, even when his dyslexia kicks in.
9. Stop spying on your ex’s fb profile and getting jealous, get over it.
10. Stop looking at the pictures of you when you were thin.
11. Be thin again.
12.Like and eat salads
13. No more sleeping all day, up all night.
14. Stop buying panties!
15. Listen to your liver, stop drinking like a sailor.
16. Stop using lol in your facebook status, Stop posting statuses, stop using facebook, it’s not cool anymore.
17.Finish your master’s thesis!
18. Expend your vocabulary and get rid of that countryside accent it’s not pretty in a seminar.
19. Be more authoritative, be more adult, be more flower child like…but without the weed.
20. What can a diploma in French literature be used for??… Find something.
21. Quit client’s service jobs FOREVER.
22. Find a job that is stimulating and that includes traveling and starts after 10am lol.
Okay, I actually can check 3 points off that goals list. Well I did try the baking soda shampoo, and my hair looked like a dry cotton ball with a greasy scalp.
It got me thinking that yes I need to have standards for myself but maybe I am being a little to concern with what people think of me. Letting go is hard for me but I have decided to have 1 priority this year, to let him take the lead.
For me letting go also means litteraly freeing myself from ownership. Owning a car, a house, the new Iphone, even a overly-expensive diploma chains us to a system, one that keeps us distracted from the real life that is out there. This dynamic suggests working increasingly long hours to pay off what you own and then spend more because it is the only thing you (can) still do that gives you the illusion that you are free and have control over your life. This cycle is my worst nightmare. The only thing I actually want to own, is my life.
Not long ago I had this choice: I could have stayed with this abusive but perfect in appearance guy I met in college and maybe get married, I could have kept up with my strict diet to be attractive for him, I could have kept that bad job I had which did not fulfill me, I could have finished writing that master’s thesis which I had no motivation to write anymore, everything bored me to death, from brushing my teeth in the morning, to cleaning the bathroom floor of a hôtel, to discussing social issues in a seminar (a competition on who has the most extensive vocabulary). Instead, I broke up, ate a gallon of ice cream every day for two weeks, then when I was back on my feet, (thanks to Ice Cream and Game of Thrones) I quit my job, I quit college, I quit my country, I was ready to go anywhere! And then you know what? I met God. I landed in a Christian school in the United States. Of all the places I could have gone; God had called me upon him to teach French in a Christian school!! I was on my guards at first but I felt his presence so strongly that I decided to let the holy spirit in, I got baptized not too long ago. I am a new Christian, inexperienced, sometimes doubtful but amazed and ready to grow. I realize how much he has protected me over the course of my life as I have been extremely impulsive and reckless. I am Learning to trust in him and he is telling me to GO on the World Race. So I go…
