I am not a good writer. Or maybe I’m supposed to say I don’t write well. Or I can say that my writing is not great. I’m not sure what the proper way to say it is, but you get my point. I am new to blogging. I love love love having one on one conversations with people, and I can even speak decently well in a small group, but writing? Well, that’s a whole new level of intimidation and insecurities made visible for me.
Writing is difficult for me because when you read my words, you don’t see my funny facial expressions, and you can’t hear how I emphasize on specific words to get my point across or listen to my really obnoxious laughing when I babble on and on and forget to take a breath. Writing is scary to me because you only get to see a small portion of who I am. I don’t know how people will respond to what I say. I don’t know if anything I share about myself is even worth sharing. But, I’m willing to try. I’m willing to see if maybe, just maybe, the words I thread together might have an impact on someone’s life. And that someone’s life may even be mine.
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Sometimes I get tired of being myself. No, I don’t hate myself. I am uniquely created in the image of God and I know that I am loved unconditionally. But sometimes I really get tired of just being me. I have this strong personality that needs and desires to be connected to people. I love people, so much. (Especially kids – they are literally the greatest.) And when I say connected, I mean being close to people. I want my life to be made up of so many relationships because I thrive off spending time with people. You guessed it – I’m an extrovert, haha!
Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time – especially when it involves listening to Kim Walker or reading a Francis Chan book. But 95% of the time I want to be around people. I want to be around people who are seeking the will of God and fully alive in fulfilling the destiny He has set before them. When I’m around people, I feel that I become more alive too. Seeing people living up to the potential that God has given them gets me so excited about my own life and all the incredible things I know the Lord has planned for me.
However, being an extrovert can be exhausting. Because of my personality, I am usually the one in the majority of my friendships that is constantly giving out. I am typically the ones who makes the plans and contacts everyone first. I am the one who calls people because it’s more personal than texting. I am the ones who organizes events. I am the one who reaches out on Facebook to new and old friends. I am the one who checks in on people who I haven’t heard from in a while. I feel a lot of the time that I am the one that does the work for the relationship….and it’s exhausting and hurtful when you don’t get the response you wanted, or you don’t get a response at all.
I was talking about this with God recently and was wondering why He made me this way. “Lord, why do I need to feel so connected to people? Am I the only one who feels this way? Why does no one else reach out to me? I’m tired of constantly giving out and sometimes receiving nothing in return.” And that’s when it hit me. The Lord gives to me ALL THE TIME. He equips with everything I need for the day. His mercies are new every morning. He is always listening to me, and caring for me, protecting me, loving me, guiding me, teaching me. He is always always there. He never leaves me and will never forsake me. Even when He speaks to me and I don’t respond, He still loves me. Even when He is teaching me and I get upset and do things my own way that end up hurting me because of my selfishness, He never gives up on me. He is perfectly gracious in every way.
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The way I was created is not a mistake. It is not what I once saw it as: a burden. My desire to be connected to people is not a weakness and does not make me needy. It makes me who I am. Seeing this connection between my personality and the way God loves me is a gift. But sometimes I think we are given a gift and are not sure how to use it in the best ways. I started to see my gift as a burden, because I wasn’t sustaining that gift. I didn’t truly understand why I had this gift to want to be so intentional in all my relationships. In order to see my gift used to the fullest, I need to seek the Giver to understand it’s purpose. I need to seek the Giver to know how to care for my gift so that I can experience all it’s beauty.
