“Behold Peter, kill and eat.” I
love those words from the Bible. Sure I know there are a bunch of ways to
interpret them but none the less, I like meat, especially burgers. Last night I
attempted the biggest Burger that I have ever seen in my life. 3.3lbs of meat,
6 pieces of bacon, 4 slices of cheese, one whole tomato, one whole onion, one
whole pickle, a small head of lettuce, all smashed between a huge sesame seed
bun and you have the “Big Cheese”, the largest burger Vietnam has to offer.
My buddy David and I started
planning for this monumental feat a couple days ago. Yesterday we went to a
water park with some of the girls from the squad and we put our plan into
action. We ate a good sized lunch of easily digestible carbs to stretch the
stomach and we spent the whole day burning as much energy as we could. We
pulled Katie, Tamica, Madeline, Hollis, and Leize in a giant tube train for six
laps
around the lazy river, swam laps in the wave pool, and went up stairs all
day to go on as many water slides as possible. We were good and tiered out and
we all headed for the restaurant around six thirty. It was game time. Four of
us would try. David, Joel, Ralph, and I would reach for eating greatness by
finishing the unfinishable.
Everyone was laughing and having a
good time making bets on whether or not we could do it. “I don’t think you can
do it” some would say. “You got this Tim” came the encouragement from Mike
along with others. I kept focused and didn’t look at the pictures of the giant
burgers on the wall all over the place, they 
were just there to get in your
head and psych you out. This would not be as much of a physical task as it
would be mind over burger. The monsters arrived on our table around seven and
we dug in. I started out strong finishing the first half of the burger in about
ten minutes. I was feeling good. My stomach was not at all upset at this point
despite the two pounds I had already shoveled in and I tried to keep eating
faster than my mind or stomach could tell me I was getting full. When people
would ask me how I felt I would just shoot them a quick thumbs up or a nod. Can’t
let in any distractions or give any space to thoughts of feelings.
I made it about another quarter
through before my body refused to be completely ignored by my mind any longer.
I realized about thirty minutes in that I was chewing each bite for about three
minutes before I would swallow and I knew that it was time to adapt the mind
game. The burger through its overall size and mass at me and so I countered by
breaking it down into smaller sized goals. I decided that eating the whole
thing together was too daunting in my mind and so I took the last quarter apart
into sections. Meat, veggies, and then the bun is how I would attack the final
pound. I pulled out the remaining patty and gave no space in my mind for the
fact that it was itself as much as the biggest burger you can get at most
restaurants. It was just trying to get in my head. I said “no! Get in my
stomach!”
I started really understanding the
marathon I was in now. Every bite was like three. I felt like I had run fifteen
miles and still had eleven to go. It was me verses my body. I started washing
every bite down with water to help fend off the gag reflex. It was about
pushing as far as possible without going over the brink and watching all that
hard work come spewing out in a giant cascade of defeat. As a few of the girls
around started to try to help from the goodness of their hearts with the
thoughts that maybe this was not gonna happen by saying “we will still love you
if you don’t finish” “No! You got this Tim” again came the encouragement from
Mike. Joe added “We will still love you if you don’t finish Tim, but we won’t
respect you.” I felt a new surge of power against this foe. I finished off the
meat and after a quick stomach adjusting rest period I tackled the veggies. A
tiny point of light was at the end of the tunnel now. The goal was in sight.
Have you ever thought about your
favorite part of a hamburger before? For many it is the meat. Some don’t even
want anything else on there. Others love the veggies and pickles and some kind
of sauce or spread. In any combination though there is one thing that is almost
always there. Those two pieces of bread that hold the whole thing together, the
Bun. Oh how I hate the bun. Those wretched, sesame seed covered, soggy, still
hinting of meat and pepper tasting pieces of bread. They were all that now
stood between me and burger eating greatness. The only thing that separated me
from that achievement and respect that I so desperately hungered for. The last
card that the enemy had to play against me, its one last hope to prove the
naysayers right.
It was all about time and
encouragement now. Every bite was like swallowing a slimy fish you had just
pulled out of the water whole. Water was key now. Take a bite, take a drink,
and swallow as if taking a pill though it had to be slow as not to wake up the
beast that was sleeping between the upper part of my stomach and the bottom of
my throat. “Keep going, you are so close. There is almost nothing left.” Words
from the faithful few who remained to watch and help me finish were like cheers
from a crowd in the last
mile of an endless race. With ten to fifteen minute
between bites, finally only three remained. Every one was like trying to pack
that last stupid item in your pack that you had forgotten about and had to undo
half the straps you had already done up in order to get in.
Don’t think, just eat, as the two
hour mark passed. Finally the last bite of crumbs and scrapings of bun, cheese,
beacon, and tomato was on the fork, just laughing at me. “The whole way you
came, just to see me and know I won’t go 
down” it jeered. It was the bite that
I had finally thought “this will simply not happen.” I stared at it for ten
minutes. Mike, Denise, Heather Reed, Leize, Joel, and Joe, my faithful
supporters pushed me on. “Like Mortal Combat” Mike said and before he could,
“FINISH HIM!” I screamed and down went the final bit.
At nine twenty three it had been
done. Like David and Ralph, I had eaten every bite. Joel left nothing but a few
pieces of bun on his plate. Not bad for the only one of us who made a spur of
the moment decision to try with no preparation. We had conquered the beast,
destroyed the monster, eaten the biggest friggin burger on God’s green earth. I
sat in awe of what I had just done. As I tried to stand to leave I realized
that it would take more toll than I might have first thought. No vomiting for
at least an hour had been the agreement. I felt dizzy. I sat back down. A few
more minutes and I rose again but could manage no more than a wobbly stroll.
Words and mumbles escaped my lips that I seemed to have no control over. I
literally felt wasted drunk on food.
My friends supported me, fanned me
in the ungodly heat, and walked with me ’til I was able to ride in the cab back
to our hostel. The first thirty minutes were the worst and it was down hill
from there. I determined that I would not throw up. My mind was set like stone.
The nausea subsided and I knew I was now safe from possibly losing it all. The
hour passed and so did the night and none of the beast came up for revenge. “Resist
the enemy and he will flee from you.” I resisted the gag reflex and it fled
from me.
Over four pounds of food and I ate
every stinkin’ bite of the thing. It took me a little over two hours, a liter
and a half of water to wash it down, many prayers not to throw up, and the
coaching and encouraging of my squad mates to keep going ’til it was gone. I
would not have finished if I had been by myself. We need all these things to
make it. You will not succeed in anything in your life no matter how strong
your will power with out God and the support of people around you (well I had
to make it spiritual somehow). No but really, it’s true.
