“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith”
My last blog, which was regrettably a while back now, discussed these verses through the lens of the physical comforts sacrificed on the race and in other areas of life. During our time in Nepal, God began to use these same words to bring about a whole different set of convictions and realizations, specifically in terms of the state of my heart in my present leadership role, and my unfortunate rejection of grace.
Beginning back at the end of month 3, I got moved up to a position as team leader when my then-leader Michael got bumped up to be squad leader (don’t mind the World Race lingo, you can ask me later). This position as the team leader has challenged me as few other experiences could have, and even in the moments of greatest frustration or doubt I must remind myself of the incredible work of sanctification and refining that God has intended this season to be for me. If you’ve been following along, you’ll know that last month in Nepal was our first month with a completely different team, as our squad underwent a complete team shuffle. Through this transition, I retained my position of team leader. On the surface, this may have seemed to be more of the same of what I had been doing, but I quickly found out that leading a completely new team is a considerably different role than getting raised up as a leader after a team has been establishing itself for 3 months and you’re already close friends with everybody on the team. I had the privilege in the beginning of coming in and leading 3 women that had already grown to be great friends; a significantly different dynamic than coming to lead 3 women that I had regrettably not had much relationship with previously on the race (and Matthew, of course). Of course, it is worth noting right away that God has done an incredible work in such a brief time in growing us together and unifying us as a new team. However, that doesn’t mean He didn’t want to open up my heart a bit in the process.
I have effectively established during my years of knowing myself that I tend to be a people-pleaser. I like to make people happy, and there is a consistent tendency of pandering to the fickle emotions of others instead of standing in the convictions I have, or not even working to establish those convictions in the first place. Coming into a leadership role on this race has only served to magnify these tendencies, which has been tough to see so undeniably. A leader is not called to simply please the team; if that’s “leading” anywhere it’ll only be in a cheap circle of comfort. Of course, there is the danger of swinging too far the opposite direction of tyranny, but that is by no means the only other option.
In attempting to dig to the root of these people pleasing tendencies, I have struck upon an undeniable chord of self-righteousness that is sustained by the approval of others and subsequently threatened by their dissatisfaction with me. God has opened my eyes to the insult to His grace that this mindset truly is. Upon the cross, Christ has established my identity and worth perfectly, and perfectly independent of anything I could ever do. In leadership, I must be standing in “the righteousness from God that depends on faith,” not a pseudo-righteousness that depends upon how the team is feeling or if everybody likes my decisions or if everything is going smoothly. I am called to count all of my efforts, all of my leadership skills, all of my gifts, everything I can do and sustain on my own, as a loss so that I may gain Christ and a full appreciation for His work done on my behalf.
“whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours”
I don’t know exactly what to do with that verse all the time, but I know that now, my prayer is for an appreciation of grace. And grace has been perfectly poured out upon me, waiting for me to believe that it is already mine. Maybe you need to know that it is yours, too.
