We’re working with a skeleton crew today here at the office. It’s technically a holiday so most of my co-workers didn’t come in, but I enjoy working on days like this because it’s quiet and I can usually get a lot done with less distraction. But because it’s a lot more peaceful today I’ve been able to think more…which is a dangerous thing.
“As our walk with God gets more intimate, we don’t become better people, we just become more aware of how bad we really are.” I forget who I heard this from, if it’s you, dinner’s on me. But it’s been ringing in my head for the last few days, probably because the last few days I’ve been really frustrated with myself. First off, God has really been hammering me about how arrogant I can be. I find myself dwelling on past accomplishments and reliving past compliments just so I can feel those “warm fuzzies”. Sometimes I feel that I’m on the verge of becoming addicted to praise and gratification. And so often I do works for God when really I want all the thanks when I should just be an instrument for people to see God better ,not me. It’s amazing how often I forget my place. That I am apart of God’s story not the other way around, that I could have easily not existed and the world would move on without hesitation. And that God is the only constant in this life and joy doesn’t come from worshipping yourself, but from worshipping God.
Also I’m completely convinced that my tongue is harder to tame then any animal on the world. I leave so many conversations embarrased or angry at myself becuase I said something foolish or mean out of the pretense of trying to be funny or joking around. I’m sick of hurting people or bringing them down all for the sake of laughs. And I’m also well aware that its all rooted in insecurities in myself that need to be addressed.
Anyway I say all that to say this…this is one of those moments when I feel that I have a pretty good grasp on how reliant I am on God to be the source of good and holiness in my life. That I am so prone to sin that anytime I resist temptation to sin, I got that strength from God. I’m also more thankful then ever that God is willing to let a screw up like me ride on His back, through His story, all the while whispering in my ear “I love you”.
