July 1st, 2016 (I just spent a week in Kentucky at a missions camp doing local ministry)
Wow God, Your love never ceases to amaze me. I can feel your heart beating for America. I can feel your heart breaking for America. I don’t see where I would fit in this plan tho. I laughed when Payton suggested that this trip would open my eyes to my ministry calling in U.S. You’ve called me to Nicaragua, You’ve called me to the World Race, You’ve called me to Bethany Global, and I don’t see how America really fits in there.
July 2nd, 2016
Lord I have no doubt that you will provide for my Race. I know that I could drive to training camp and You would have the funds raised by the time I got there. But I don’t just want their money. I don’t want anonymous donations. I’m tired of their half hearted smiles with the simple words “I’ll pray for you.” I’m tired of people doubting You. “So what happens if you don’t raise enough money?” “How are going to raise $15,000?!” Don’t they know what they’re asking? “What if the Lord doesn’t provide?” People are setting me up for failure before I even try, all because of money. Is money too big for you God? No, no. I won’t stand for it, but I also can’t go without their support. I need people to be involved and supportive of this calling with me. Can’t they see past the money? Lord help me draw them near.
July 3rd, 2016 (I was driving home from church when I looked down and saw my Bible perfectly placed face open as if someone had just set it there for me to read. I picked it up and it was open to Ezekiel 3, which is basically God saying I am not sending you to a nation that speaks differently than you because surely they will listen and believe, but I am sending you to your nation that looks and speaks like you because even though they will hear and not believe, they still need to hear.)
So what are You saying God? Am I not going on the World Race? What are You saying?! Please just tell me!
“I’m saying I want you to use your free will and choose. I wanted to reveal My heart to you. I wanted to be fair to you and let you see both options. It’s up to you. If you choose to continue on the Race, I’ll provide for you and I’ll go with you. I’ll soften hearts for you to be supported. I’m going to take care of you. If you choose to step out and stay with Me here, I can’t promise that it will be easy, but it will be worth it. I have big plans for you here. Ones you can’t imagine. Follow me.”
July 5th, 2016
How do I choose? How do I say no to something I’ve been preparing for for a year? How do I give up something I’ve worked so hard at? But how do I say no to my God’s beating heart? How do I not give Him this opportunity to show up and show out? Would I be able to look people in the eyes and know that I choose what I wanted to do over their possible salvation? No. So I’m choosing to stay God.
And this is where I’m writing this post. I will no longer be going on the World Race gap year. I will still be taking a gap year, just not how I originally planned. In September, I will take a 3 month mission (Passport trip with AIM) to Nicaragua and I will come back and continue seeking God’s Kingdom here in the states. After praying, talking with my mobilizer, and more praying, we saw that this was the perfect path for me to take. I could still pursue this passion that the Lord has given me for international missions, in a country I know I’ve been called to, but have the rest of the year to seek the ministry work He has for me here. All the money I have raised will be going to my Nicaragua mission. We were able to raise the exact amount of funds for it and if that’s not a cool God confirmation, I don’t know what is. (So woo hoo! No more fundraising, I’m fully funded!)
So what now? Well, all I know is that I will leave for Nicaragua in September. As for the ministry He will have me do when I get back, I have no idea, but we’ll see in time. As of right now, I’m in Michigan. The day my squad packed up, got on planes, and headed to training camp, I packed up and took a last minute flight to Michigan to stay with my friend Kelsey. (Hi Kelsey, I know you’re reading this. Thanks for letting me stay with you and thank you for the insane amount of courage you’ve given me to press on, find hope, and write this post. I couldn’t imagine processing through this with anyone else. I love you so much friend) As you can imagine, the decision not to go has come with a lot of emotions, possibly every emotion all at the same time. I think this would be a nice time to take a break from social media and my phone and really just focus on hearing God’s voice. I do want to answer your questions tho because I understand this post is all over the place and not very well written, so please ask, just give me a little time to respond. Prayers are definitely much appreciated.
I am very much sad that the World Race has ended for me and that there’s friendships I could of had that I will never get to know, but I know God’s plan is better. I have faith that His plans are good and He is good. I have hope that He will restore this piece of me that I feel is lost. I have confidence that His will will be done in this all. My God is an awesome God. There is no one like Him and I will continue seeking Him. He’s added another chapter to our love story, what a plot twist.
