I expected my second Ukrainian adventure to be different than the first, but somehow it is still a different different than I expected. Confusing? I know but I am trying to give you a glimpse into my brain at the moment.
My love for this place and the students here has not diminished. In all honesty it has probably increased in the past few weeks as I have spent more time with them.
With that increased love has come an increased feeling of inadequacy and the realization that long term here means facing a whole semi truck full of fears.
It means I have to learn to be patient with myself.
It means not hiding behind others when things get uncomfortable.
It means facing a foreign language that students swear isn’t as hard as English, but really that many consonant sounds should not go together without vowels.
It means I have to deal with snow and ice in wintertime (what is that?!?).
Honestly I told God I didn’t mind being a missionary as long as I didn’t have to be alone. I said I’d go anywhere if He’d give me a husband to serve Him alongside. His response? “I AM all you need… My strength is made perfect in weakness… Perfect love cast out all fear…”
I finished a book yesterday called Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson. It hit home to me more than once:
- “Don’t let fear dictate your decisions.”
- “Don’t take the easy way out.”
- “Quit making excuses.”
- “Quit playing defense.”
- “And quit putting eight-foot ceilings on what God can do.”
All easier quoted than lived out (just like every verse I have read in the Bible lately).
I was okay with my one-way ticket and uncertain plans until camp was over and suddenly I was face-to-face with the looming question that had been in my mind since October, “Am I supposed to stay in Ukraine?” And at least several times a day some form of that question has been asked of me by others, making it impossible to ignore.
So I guess God is teaching me a bit about faith and trust at the moment. I still know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. It is frustrating and it is hard. Given the option I would probably run, guess that is why God hasn’t given me that option.
